Monday, May 26, 2014

I'm becoming one of THOSE people


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I am fat and lazy. HOLY CRAP LAZY.

I can lay blame everywhere. But, ultimately, it is my fault. Entirely.

The Blob


So yesterday, I am changing all that. (Take that, all you English majors!)



I'm too lazy to make breakfast for myself in the morning.
Hello, Egg McMuffin sans meat and butter.

Solution?

Make my super secret super healthy smoothie in advance.

Combine all the ingredients into individual pint mason jars. Blend in the morning. Drink on the morning drive.

Make quick quesadillas of egg cheese sriracha sauce and chopped green peppers and mushrooms. Green peppers and mushrooms already chopped in pint mason jars.



Lunch dilemma. I hate cold food. Hello, number 16.

Solution?

Get over it. Room temperature is okay.

Make lunch the night before.

Flour tortillas with mixed greens, spinach, tuna, salmon or turkey.



I found niffy vacuum sealed tuna and salmon packs. Why has no one told me of these?! And different flavors?! Each pack makes two tortilla sandwiches.  One for lunch and one for when I am starving.

Dinner, well???




My lazy butt needs to get moving. So, while I walk a monkey or two. I will have my rice cooker on. Cooking rice and steaming chicken and vegetables. Chicken is already sliced and marinated in individual baggies.

So, what did I mean that I am becoming one of those people?



I am going organic. At this point, I am not concerned with my fruits and vegetables. I get them from a wholesaler, cheap, cheap, cheap.

It's the meat, milk and eggs that I will concentrate on for now.



Oh, yeah, I am boycotting all Coca Cola products since I watched Blackfish on Netflix over two months ago. Coca Cola has not responded to my boycott. Of course, I never told them.

See, I'm one of THOSE people now.

I've gotta stop watching documentaries and stop reading so much.

 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Wasabi Peas

One of the funniest things I ever witnessed, happened a few years ago.

At the time I was managing a fine jewelry store. Near my location was a candy store filled with wondrous candies.

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Hard candies, gummy candies, chocolate, coconut...oh my, oh my!

Every few days I would restock the candy jar for the sales associates.

Jelly Bellys, M&M's, mints, etc.

But I am not really a sweet eater. Though, Jelly Bellys, I will eat the hell outta those.

Fun Fact: One pound of Jelly Bellys equals almost 400 beans!
Anyhoo...

One day, I discovered wasabi peas. I didn't know what they were and I bought about a quarter pound.
I'm adventurous like that.

I found that not only did I love wasabi peas, but an added bonus was that my associates hated them.
It was a hoot to watch them taste them for the first (and last) time. Priceless.

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I was free to leave my tasty treats on my desk without fear that they would mysteriously disappear down someone's gullet.

Anyhoo....

One day, we were visited by the district manager. A rotund man, a man that was not familiar with the word no when it came to snacking. Now, keep in mind, I really liked this guy....but....

Here's the thing, I don't like people just picking up stuff off my desk by anyone, under any circumstance.

I saw him starting to reach for my wasabi peas and I had plenty of opportunity to warn him off.....but,
I didn't.

I stood back to watch this scenario play out.

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Cecil, as that is his name, grabbed a handful.

He approached me in the middle of the showroom floor

and popped a couple of those hot little bad boys in, expecting a sweet morsel of yumminess.

It all happened in a split second, but I swear I saw it in slo-mo.

His eyes bulged out of his head

Sweat beaded up on his bald pate

His face turned red

And then he promptly spit out my wasabi peas on my marble floor.

Wasabi peas- via
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!!!", he roared.

My reply?

"My desk, my peas. No please, no warning."

He laughed and cleaned up his mess.

Then I offered him, with a smile, some green M&M's which he eyed suspiciously and declined.

Moral of the story?

Old dogs can learn new tricks.


 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

So, I lied....


I don't like liars and I really don't like lying. But, when your back is against the wall. Well?

A few months ago, I noticed Sampson had a boo boo on his foreleg. I am not really squeamish but I thought I knew what it was and I knew it was beyond my capabilities to help.

Sampson with his ears blowing in the wind and Snoopy coming up from behind.


So, I ended up taking him to the local vet. Being that I live in the middle of nowhere, I mistakenly thought that this would be a country vet.

I thought that somehow, Sampson had ripped off the upper pad on his foreleg. Ew, gross, not gonna look.
What it turned out to be was a piece of skin just dangling off his leg. Seems he and one of the other monkeys had a tussle when I wasn't looking.

The vet who looked at it said and I quote, "He will need surgery."

Excuse me?! He has a half inch of skin dangling and this assclown wants to anaesthetise my monkey and clip off a piece of skin.

Umm, no.

I told the vet to give me antibiotics and was on my merry way, vowing never to return to that vet clinic.
Seriously.

Sampson took care of his leg, no problem.

Smiling Baby Z with Photobombing Snoopy.

Well, now Baby Z got his ear chewed pretty bad in a fight which I inadvertently started.

I got my thumb chewed pretty good also. But that is neither here nor there.

Baby Z needs antibiotics and I need a prescription to get him antibiotics. Absolutely ridiculous.

Anyhoo.....

I'm not going to a vet.

I ordered what Baby Z needs off a reputable website.

But I need vet approval.

One of the options is to mail them the prescription.
Umm, sure, okay.

I should have the antibiotics on Wednesday.

Does anyone have any suggestions for future medication needs?

 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Pure Virgin


I was cooking last night and for whatever reason, I read the ingredients of my black pepper.



My Pure Ground Black Pepper.

I expected to read, in this order:

Black pepper.

And that's it.


But, what I read was....

ALLERGY WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF OCTOPUS EYEBALL, EAR HAIR OF MOUSE AND POSSIBLY PYGMY TOENAILS.
It did not even list the main ingredient as pepper.

I thought that rather odd.

So, I looked up the word pure.

 (1) :  unmixed with any other matter <pure gold> (2) :  free from dust, dirt, or taint <pure springwater> (3) :  spotless,stainless
(2) :  containing nothing that does not properly belong
b :  free from moral fault or guilt
c :  marked by chastity :  continent
e :  ritually clean
Weird, huh?

Well, I suppose that my pepper is free from moral fault or guilt.

Or is there, some strange pepper cleansing  ritual at the pepper mill?



That got me thinking of virgins. So, I looked up virgin.

a :  an absolutely chaste young woman
b :  an unmarried girl or woman

So, essentially, Pure.

So, I infer from that information, 

 any unmarried woman may

wear white on her wedding day.


And now the rest of the story....

Truthfully, on the side of the container of pepper where you would expect the ingredient list, there are no ingredients listed.

However, it does state:

ALLERGY WARNING: MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF MILK, EGGS, WHEAT AND SOY.

To which, I infer....

There is a cake somewhere in my pepper!

Black Pepper Pound Cake Recipe...found here

 

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