Monday, September 30, 2013

Engrossed, then Grossed Out

For weeks, I have been trying to straighten out my schedule. The hours are killing me.
Three times before, after completing the schedule, my computer decided it had had enough and well, shut down on me.
That is hours upon hours of brain twisting work lost!

So, I got smart. I bought a printer.

not a printer

Sunday morning, I got back to scheduling. It's so disheartening after you have already done this three times prior. Yet, I plodded on, and on, and on, you get the gist.

Damn fly, landing on my hand, then crawling on the computer.

So, again after hours of trying to untangle the mess that is my schedule, I looked up. I was so engrossed in my work that I never noticed the invasion happening.

My ceiling which normally is white was black. Black with flies! Nasty, disgusting, gross houseflies!

"Oh, sure!", you are thinking. "What's the big deal with a few flies?"

Did you read what I wrote?!! Black with flies.

I grabbed my fly swatter and went to work.

I killed flies singly. I killed copulating flies. I killed three flies at a time. I killed!

Now the question for you many flies did I kill?

I left a clue in the first photo!


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Would You Believe?

I am always looking to the sky.
I love the full moon, the half moon and the crescent moon.
I love the stars that spread across the blackness.
I love seeing rainbows. I see them everywhere here in Colorado.
I love seeing the flying insects, the bees and the butterflies.
I love seeing the different birds that live around here.
I love seeing the crop duster over the fields.
I love seeing the lightning flash in the distance.
I love seeing the rains sweep across the plains.

And now, I know the sky loves me.

Why would I say such an idiotic thing?

Because I saw in the sky, and I'm not kidding, this....



Friday, September 27, 2013

The Child Inside

Well, we had our weekly meeting today.

Let's see, for a frame of reference let me tell you this. There is only one other woman in our area that does what I do. Once a customer called to complain about me. HA! But guess what? It was the other woman.
I do understand her confusion as Linda is timid, short and ...what's the word I'm looking for?
Ah, yes! Black!
Whereas I am, 5' 10, obnoxiously friendly, and as white as mayonnaise. Heck, any whiter and I may become translucent.

But I digress.

You know what the boss said about me today?

Basically I would feed my children to the wolves and called me a Black Widow. See? Now I think he has Linda and I confused!

Later, I told him I know he is secretly in love with me, but I have his back anyways. Oh Geez, men!

Okay, back to the original thought for this posting.

Kids love me. All ages. And I know why. I have never let the child inside me die. Few people other than my son and kids get to see my inner child.

That may not be one hundred percent accurate. Sometimes, when it pops out, grown ups look at me strange.
Yeah, well, sucks to be them.

What made me think of all this, is that I saw, and you will never guess who at the gas station......

Yes. I saw Batman at the gas station.

OOoooo!!! I was so excited! I yelled out across the parking lot,


Batman was apparently a little surprised that I recognized him, but he did wave back. I'm not sure how George Clooney would have reacted.

Let me tell you how Batman was disguised.
First, he was in the passenger-side of a pick up truck. Batman, if not incognito, would definitely be behind the driving wheel.
Second, he looked almost exactly like this....

After I came out of the gas station, I was hoping he would still be there. And there he was, with a smile a mile wide and waving his arm off at me. Because, we both knew he really was....


Thursday, September 26, 2013

25 and Counting...

Yep, that's me!

Twenty five and counting!

I own twenty five cookbooks and couple more on the way. It's a sickness, I tell ya, a sickness!

I'm in the mood to bake! 

This Sunday I will make Linzer Schnitten and Pumpkin bread and ship it off to my favorite son!

Linzer Schnitten Recipe
Stolen from The Fanny Farmer Cookbook
Thirteenth Edition

3 eggs
2.25 c sugar
.75 c butter, melted
3.5 c flour
1tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon
1tsp cloves
.25 tsp salt
Grated rind and juice of one lemon
1c apricot preserves

Preheat oven to 375F. Beat 2 of the eggs until light. Gradually add 1.5 c of the sugar and the butter, blending well. Sift the flour, baking powder, cinnamon, cloves, and salt together, then stir into the egg mixture and mix well. add the lemon rind and juice. Mix well. Turn dough onto a floured board and knead until smooth. Cover a bowl and let stand one hour. Roll ou to 1/2 inch thick cut into strips 1 1/2 x 10 inches. Mark a groove down the center of each strip with the handle of a wooden spoon. Fill the grooves with apricot preserves. Place on ungreased cookie sheet and bake 20 minutes or until lightly browned. Beat the remaining one egg and .75 c sugar together, brush over the bakes strips while they are still hot, and cut immediately into diagonal pieces.

Makes about 40 cookies.

Pumpkin Nut Bread
Found on Pinterest newspaper clipping

1 c butter, softened
3 c sugar
3 eggs

3 c all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp ground cloves
.5 tsp ground nutmeg

16 oz can pumpkin
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 c raisins
1 c chopped pecans

Cream butter; gradually add sugar, beating well. Add eggs, one at a time, beating after each addition.
Combine next seven ingredients; add to creamed mixture alternately with pumpkin. Stir in vanilla, raisins, and pecans. Spoon into 4 greased and floured one pound coffee cans; bake at 350F for one hour or until a wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in cans 10 minutes; remove from cans, and cool completely on wire racks.

Makes four loaves.

I'm thinking the hardest thing will be drinking all that coffee just to use the cans!


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Hat of a Different Color

You know when you are driving along and you see something on the side of the road and you wonder how it came to be there? Do you make up stories about how it got there?

Well, I do. I'm sure that is a shocking revelation for you. Pfft....


Today while driving home, I saw an orange plastic thing on the side of the road.

First thought: A plastic pumpkin. 'Tis the season and all that!

Second thought: Nope, it's a plastic bowl.

Well, I was wrong on both counts. It was a construction helmet.

Now, I would not fantasize about how it got there. That is obvious. However, I did think about the upcoming days.

Construction Bob and His Hat
The Story

Chapter 1

Construction Bob left for work early in the morning, like usual. The sun barely peeping above the plains, gradually lighting the tall grasses a soft buttery yellow. Bob hummed along with the songs on the radio, looking forward to a day of moving steel beams upright with him in the operator's seat of the monsterous crane he operated daily.

He arrived at the job site, eager to get started. He grabbed his coffee out of the cup holder and moved to the back of his truck to grab his protective gear. That's when he realized, ut oh, no hard hat!

Bob thought hard as to where he might have left his hard hat. He recalled after the crew called quits for the day previously, a few of the guys, himself included, lingered to discuss the merits of real boobs vs. implants. Bob was partial to real, as his wife was amply endowed naturally. That's not to say that her "cup overfloweth", but he was quite pleased with his playground. A gentle smile stole across his face. He mentally shook himself before he allowed his thoughts to play further and it was then he recalled placing his hard hat on the rear bumper.

"Ah, well." He thought and walked over to the construction trailer to requistion another hard hat.

 Chapter 2

Bob clambered back into his truck for the ride home, relishing the thought of a cool shower and warm meal waiting for him at home.

Driving along the highway, with thoughts of his lovely wife of fifteen years gliding through his mind, he saw a flash of orange on the right side of the highway.

"Holy crow! My hat!" he exclaimed as he drove past.

Bob wondered if tommorrow he should pull over and pick it up. He continued home.

Chapter 3

Bob's day was finished. It had been a hard day, filled with little complications and no show temp workers. He sighed, "Tomorrow's another day."

Bob drove along and just as he was about to change the radio station, he saw his hat. "Not today, little buddy!", he yelled towards the orange hat. He chuckled at that and continued home.

Chapter 4

Bob was feeling a little queasy after eating  lunch with the big bosses. He toughed out the day, wishing for the comforts of home, rather than the port-a-pottie he kept having to run back and forth from. Sometimes a free lunch really wasn't worth it. The day dragged on but finally it was time to head back home.

He drove on home with an eye to the left, waiting to see his hat. His hat did not disappoint, it was right there waiting for him. That comforted Bob and he waved as his hat flashed by the passenger window.

Chapter 5

It was raining this morning and Bob thought of his orange hat on the side of the highway. He sipped his coffee and mused about his hat, just lying there all alone. "All alone?" It's a hat, for Pete's sake!", he chided himself.

The rain wasn't letting up anytime soon. Bob sat in the dingy construction trailer to finish up some paperwork before calling it quits for the day.

He looked forward to seeing his hat on the highway, wondering if it had blown over in the rain storm or possibly stranded in a puddle.

He soon saw the orange dot in the distance and moved forward in his seat in anticipation. He slowed down as much as traffic would allow him to get a better view. There was his hat and behind it a page of newsprint, captured against the concrete barrier. "Ha!", he cried out loud. "Have a good read, little buddy!"

Chapter 6

It was still raining the next day, but still a decent day to run up north for some materials for the construction project. He got one of the younger fellows to ride with him for the short run pick up. As they neared his hat, Bob pointed towards it and said with a huge grin, "That's my hat."
The younger fellow eyeballed him, said nothing and changed the radio channel.
Bob felt disheartened.

With the day wrapping up, Bob wondered about his hat. Should he pull over and get it? No, he couldn't do that. It just wasn't safe.

Later, as he drove by his hat, he whispered to himself, "I still love ya, little buddy."

Chapter 7

It was a late start for Bob today. The crew had to wait for the site to dry up a bit before construction got started.
The day went smooth, so smooth that they had almost caught up to where they were before the rain delay.

Bob left feeling good about a day well worked.

Driving toward home, he approached where his hat should have been.

It was gone. The street sweepers had done their job.
Now his hat was buried inside a street sweeper's truck amongst the litter, and detritus of a fast paced society. His hat's fate was only to be tossed in a dump with more forgotten discards of a disposable society.

"See ya, little buddy.", said Bob with a hitch in his voice and continued home.



Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Inappropriate Laughter

So, today I visited an apartment building.

I had never been there before today. I tried the front doors, but they are key card access only, which makes my job a little bit more difficult. I could see no one at the front desk, so I whipped out my handy dandy cell phone and called. It went straight to voice mail.

Hmmm....secured building, no one answering the phone. What's a Chick to do?

Sneak in through the unlocked garage door and walk through the wide open rear lobby door is what a Chick does!

I'm clever like that!

Anywhoo...the property manager comes out and I swear she looks like she is about to cry.

I explain to her who I am and what I am there to do and away I go.

Now, I check each floor and notice large sections of drywall cut out and fans blowing in the openings.
I think to myself, "Hmmm...must have had a leak of some sort.". (See once again how clever I am?)

I finish what I do and go back down to the lobby. I walk into her office and proceed to tell her what I did.

I swear she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

Then she asked, "Do you like your job?"

Without a thought I said, "I LOVE MY JOB!"
And as I spoke those words, all the bs I deal with daily, ran through my head.
You know... too much work, not enough daylight, bad scheduling, relentless clients, etc, etc.

But I stuck to my guns and kept my mouth closed.

Then she told me the story of what happened this week at her job.

Jessica's Story Paraphrased

Jessica: Well, it all started when a tenant on the fifth floor decided to hang up some wet clothes on a wire hanger and hang the hanger on the fire alarm sprinkler head.

Which of course, broke off.

It flooded all the apartments below down to the lobby and the hallways.

Me: Now, that is kinda funny but I didn't laugh. She still looked like this.

She continues her story.

Then yesterday, I have Federal Marshals come and want to grab one of the tenants. I accompany them upstairs and knock on the door. I know he's home because the privacy latch is on.
Then the Marshals break in the door. But the guy isn't in the apartment. I look over the balcony. There he has climbed down to the fourth floor balcony. In the meantime, he has called his friends and now his friends are down on the street in a pickup truck. I thought they might be Marshals, though I thought they were a little young. So I asked the Marshals if they had a pick up truck and they said no. They had a van.

Then it dawned on me that the guy was going to jump from the fourth floor to the getaway pickup truck!

I yell to the Marshals "He's going to jump!" And then he jumps.

He hits the sidewalk and severs his legs and spine. He had huge holes in his legs.

Recap: Okay, Jessica who was on the fifth floor, has just witnessed a man jump off her building from the fourth floor,and lands right in front of her office window. How horrific. Of course, she is traumatized. Why is she at work?! 
Ps. I'm still not laughing. Yet.

Now back to Jessica.

Me: Did he survive?

He was screaming. It was terrible. I asked the Marshals if he walk again. I know Marshals have to harden their hearts,but they didn't seem to care and told me, "He'll be fine, just in a lot of pain for the rest of his life."

Now that's a hell of a story don't you think?! But she's not done yet! Read on fearless reader!

Jessica: Now later in the day, a workman came to clean up the waterlogged apartment on the fifth floor. 
You remember, from the first part of her story, prior to the jump. 

The workman enters the apartment and spooks the cat. 

Which leaps out the fifth floor window 

and lands....

on his face.

That's me on the left!

Me: Is the cat okay?!

Jessica: It only broke two teeth.

Me: And is now slightly retarded.

And now the moral of the story:

No matter how crappy your job can be, 
at the very least,
 you do not have to deal with flooding,
flying fugitives and suicidal cats!