Thursday, May 30, 2013

Noses to the Wind

The wind blows strong
Carrying a song
of life
of death
Noses to the wind

The high grass waves 
The water breaks ripples
Noses to the wind

The story of the cow
the calf and the bull
Noses to the wind

The neighboring dogs
the coyotes call
Noses to the wind

The snow on the mountains
the bear in the wood
Noses to the wind

The rabbit in the hole
the fox on the trail
Noses to the wind

The voles underground
the 'coon in the tree
Noses to the wind

All day we play
All day we run
Except when
Noses to the wind


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Baby Got Back

Sir Mix-A-Lot may like big butts, but I'm over it.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am no longer the svelte 125-135 lbs I used to be. And I'm over that too.

Time to go back to how I used to eat and give up the fast food. I really don't view fast food as food, more like fuel. Cheap, you know your engine is going to knock, fuel.

I can't fit into any of my clothes. That includes my uniform.

My butt is eating my pants.

Not my butt via

Oh, but that is not even the worst of it. My butt cheeks are chafing. Who knew? Well, now you do. Sorry about that!

It really doesn't matter what I weigh. My body tells me what is acceptable. I have a knee that hurts when the pounds are too much. I don't sleep comfortably when I get too big.  Remember, I am not inundated by television telling what is acceptable. My body knows how much it can handle. And it's telling me, the fat has to go.

I have a few rules I will follow. One of which is, what ever is on my plate the veggie serving size is more than the combination of all other foods. Another rule is, french fries are neither french nor a vegetable, so those are history.

Now here's something you should know. I do not enjoy fruit nor salads. At all.
Well, that's is not compleately true. I like fruit in pies and cookies, just not in the raw. It's too sweet for me.

I started last Saturday. I won't say the word diet, because it's not. It's just going back to the way I used to eat. I won't weigh myself either, until the second Saturday. By then my pants should fit. Not all my pants. But, at least the work pants. That should put me at a good starting point for exercise. Yeah, I hate exercise.

I will start with my usual, yoga. Get my flexibility back and lessen the risk of injury when I start more strenuous stuff.


I don't need luck, I just need to lose the weight!


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Sugar Coated Monkey

This was not a good weekend for me....AT ALL.
I suspect, Tuesday I will have to plead for my job. But that is a story for later in the week.

This weekend I expanded the monkey's fenced area and added something they absolutely love.

The expansion was not as large as I had hoped. I ran out of motivation and crucial supplies. But what was completed, the monkeys love.

They now have a play sand pit to play in. I didn't build that. But the expansion included it, so YAY!!

I bought them a kiddie pool and a sprinkler. I may have to buy a second pool as some don't wish to share.

Stargazer Lily via

The star of this story is Lily, full name, Princess Lily Bear. She is a Black Mouth Cur and I suspect Golden Retriever mix. She is a pretty little girl. Curious, stubborn, and a leader. I won't mention the pain in my patootie part.

Lily is a water dog. She will get in the pool and stretch out on her tummy. She bites at the waves and is great entertainment. Especially when she tries to roll to her back in the water. Then she will jump out of the pool and shake off the excess water.

Now, at first she would find the nearest bare spot in the grass and roll around grunting and groaning. Sheer pleasure for her. But now she has discovered the sand pit.

She couldn't be happier!! She runs to the sand pit and rolls like there is no tomorrow.

When she gets out she looks like she is covered in sugar, sweet as pie.

Evil Snow Queen via

Or the evil Snow Queen, which is somehow more her style.


Saturday, May 25, 2013

5 Monkeys and a Skunk

You have got to be kidding me!!!!


Well, it finally happened. One skunk, 5 monkeys. Can you guess who won?

Of course, it happened at the most convenient time. Say, 8:40 pm, Friday exactly. And I know this why?
Because, my dear friends, that's when I received a text saying that company was on the way.


The short version of the story goes like this.....

Monkeys raising a ruckus in their fenced area.

Lily comes in, jumps on my bed, stinking to high heaven and rolling around in the sheets.

I jump up, get her out of the room, grab the sheets and throw them in the family room.

Crapfest!!! I don't hear any of the monkeys.

Monkeys have broken out of the fence.

I close the pet door so Lily can't get back out.

I grab a flashlight and start calling monkeys.

Baby Z was caught first.

Snoopy came close then ran off with Samson.

I grabbed Puggies. Got him in the house.

Three down two to go.

Chased Snoopy all over hell and creation, finally got him in the house.

Where the hell is Samson???

I see his eyes reflecting in the light of the flashlight. Well, I hoped it was Samson, as he would not come when called.

I wade, just under a quarter of a mile, through thigh high vegetation to find

Samson sitting next to the skunk.

Skunk is dead.

Headlights now coming up the driveway. Guests have arrived.

Get Samson in the house.

I stink, the monkeys stink and the house stinks.

Oh, I almost forgot. The vomit, monkey vomit on the floors.

I can't put the monkeys outside, as now they know they can break through the fence.

Oh, and I have to work a full day Saturday.

When I come home there will be multiple baths for all the monkeys.

No winners here.

And I am the BIGGEST LOSER of them all.

Truly a memorable Memorial weekend!!!


Friday, May 24, 2013

My Sister's Boobs and McGangbang

These are things I learned about this week.

My sister got boobs. I don't say she got new boobs, because she really didn't have any to begin with. She got boobs. I don't know when, because I don't speak to her. But I saw a picture of her. She looks great and happy! Good for her. That's my good side speaking. My bad half knows when to keep it's thoughts to itself.

Anywhoo.... I get a call from a very reliable source about the McGangbang. Yep, my son told me about this. He said he thought he was the last person to know about this, then decided he did not want to be the last person to know about this and called me.

So, it is now my duty to pass this invaluable knowledge on to you. And yes, it is real and yes, my boy had to try it out. And yes, he got the McGangbang

 I am fairly certain Ronald would not approve.

My New Boyfriend

So, just yesterday, I was lamenting that I need a boyfriend. Guess what? I got one now!

Okay, everyone always asks, "Aww, how did you meet?" So I will tell you all about it!

I meet him today while I was working at his family home.

His mother greets me at the door, and there he stands a little to the left of her, just behind. Holy cow! He throws me a killer smile!

I don't get all flustered, because, I mean, seriously, where could this possibly go?

As I am doing what I do, he approaches me from behind and checks out my tools. I turn and smile and say, "Hi!" He says, "Hi!" Smiles and backs away from me just a bit.

You know that feeling when you just know someone is really into you? Well, I was getting that signal B I G T I M E !

Now before I tell you the rest of the story, I will tell you of the phone call that I made to my son about my new boyfriend.

Hi Sugarpoo! I got a new boyfriend!
He's kinda short, kinda chubby.

My boy says, "Okay."

Did I tell you he is Mexican?


Oh, and he's missing a couple teeth.


So now back to my new chubby, little hunk!

He is watching everything I do, with such admiration and curiosity. I turn and smile and he gives me that big grin of his.

I see that he is a little in awe of me and maybe just a touch shy. So, now I need to make the first move.

So I say, "Do you want to be my boyfriend?"

He about burst out of his skin and yells, "Y E S!"

His older sister is about to die from laughter. And his mother is asking what was said as she only speaks Spanish. He daughter tells her and the mother bursts out laughing.

Now sadly, I'm afraid that this relationship with be short lived. After all, he is young enough to be my son. He will find someone younger than me and possibly she will have dimples and love to play at the playground. But I have to tell ya, a six year old boy's love is hard to beat.



Thursday, May 23, 2013

Into The Lion's Den


Okay, now that we have the "cute" out of the way.....

As, you may have realized, I have access to some places most people don't want to see, let alone know they exist.

Case in point.

The first time I went to this location, I didn't know what it was. I just went.

As I pull into the parking lot, I am suddenly on full alert! I'm not scared or nervous, but something is just not sitting right with me. There is nothing about this place that gives you any idea what you are about to walk into.

Now my body is giving me the "flight or fight" signals. WTH?! I haven't even gotten out of my vehicle!

I grab my gear, get out of the vehicle and walk towards the building. It is your typical nondescript brick two story apartment building. I'm still getting the "run like Hell" signals.

The front of the apartment has "decorative" iron gates.

DANGER!!!    via
But, one is propped open.

The sign on the gate reads....

But looks WAY more official than this!


As I walk into the lion's den, the first person I see is a tatooed man on the stairs. I say "Hi!". Show no fear!  Then I hear a voice to my left say, "The office is over here."

Okay, so I get everything sorted out and do my job. Turns out that this is a halfway home for new parolees. Read that as... violent felons all over this damn place.

Hello! I'm a chick! Surrounded by horny bad guys!

NOOOOOO!!!!    via
So, now that I'm in the offices, behind safety glass and an unlocked door, I begin to take a look at some of the men hanging around.

Ummm...Houston, we have a problem.

Some of these men are HOT, HOT, HOTTTTTT! 


I mean, get your panties in a knot, HOTTTTTTT!!!!

So, now I am soooo confused!!!! Now I'm having flight, fight or f*** responses.

I have realized I really need a boyfriend and soon. But I won't dip my toe in this pool.




Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Giant Spiders?

As stated in yesterday's post, my mind runs amok, frequently. I allow it, as my brain makes me laugh at the stuff it comes up with.
Hence this blog.

Anywhoo...animals and spiders seem to be the theme in my life for the last few days. So let's go with it.


I think some spiders are cute as all get out! Others, totally creep me out.

For example:

Brown Recluse via MSU Extension
Close up of "fiddle" via MSU Extension
Not a cute nor cuddly spider, not at all.

Now for me, cuddly, are these spiders.

Space Bar local via

Couldn't you just fall in love with those puppy dog eyes?
Then I imagine, how cool would it be? If they were big enough to walk to the park on a leash. Something bigger than a chihuahua, maybe cocker spaniel sized.

Have you got that picture in your head. Go ahead. Really get the visual of a cocker spaniel sized, fuzzy, cuddly spider. Got it yet?

Now, fortunately for the world, I am not a mad scientist. Because just as I was thinking that would be the coolest thing ever, it dawned on me.

Awww, cute, cuddly, cocker spaniel sized spider could run up the walls and
crawl across the ceiling and just hang there.

R I G H T A B O V E M Y B E D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, that seems about right!
So, I scraped that million dollar idea.

Anywhoo.. back to giant spiders. I mean huge, ginormous, monster size spiders.

I was driving home from work and turn on to my road. I can see quite a distance on this road. It has some dips, so cars appear and disappear as you are driving towards them.

In the far distance, I swear I see a giant spider. And no, I don't mean a few inches of spiderness laying in the road. I mean, HUGE!
Even this brain of mine was having trouble keeping up with this vision.
I'm squinting, my neck craned out over the driver's wheel.
I swear to G O D, that thing is moving towards me!!
I blink my eyes, I have to be seeing things, because this is what I thought I saw slowly coming down the road.

Where the Hell is Jim West, when I need him?!  via
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The freakin' spider from Will Smith's movie Wild West.
Now you say, you are out of your mind. No way did you see the spider from the movie coming down your road. To that I would reply, "You are correct."

This is what it was, really.

I swear it's alot bigger than this!


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Little Spiders and spiderlings

If you haven't figured out by now, my mind creates weirdness out of most everything. I see the most common of items and my brain decides that it is from some fantastical otherworldly dimension. Today, let us just stick with spiders.

I see you, even when you don't see me     via

It seems like Colorado is the capitol of the spider universe.

I do not like spiders. I do understand their role in the natural world.
However, I do not enjoy them in my home.

Did I mention that I think spiders are kinda cool? Yes, I am aware of the direct opposition of the earlier sentence. But hear me out.

Spiders inside...not cool.

Unless there are extenuating circumstances such as...well, I dunno. Maybe, someone or something knocked down my mailbox, post and all. I have to fix it or I don't get my mail. Kinda sucks, because I get cool stuff in my mailbox. Bills go to my email, so email sucks. But, I digress.

I go out to fix my mail box and under the plate that attaches the box to the post, I find a bunch of stuff that looks like cotton balls. Aww, crap I know what this is! Freakin' spider stuff, webbing, nesting, dead insects, general grossness.

Then the little beastie appears.

Say Hello, to my little friend.   via
It's just a common jumping spider. But this beastie is not allowed to touch me without two weeks prior advance written notification. She claimed she mailed the notification and was just waiting for the postman to deliver said notification. It does seem plausible, as my mailbox has been lying on the ground for a couple weeks. But as the "check may be in the mail", as it is not in the bank.  It doesn't count. Now, does it?

Needless to say, that the mailbox is still on the ground.

Not my mailbox, but looks alot like my 'hood!  via


Monday, May 20, 2013

Bad Blogger Notification

Umm.. yeah. That's me! I was way busy Sunday and forgot to write my stuff up. 

So, as a small token to my readers of my appreciation here is a pretty picture.


And some Grumpy Cat.