Monday, March 31, 2014

A Determined Monkey

If anything, I have learn that monkeys are protective.

Of me, of empty plastic bottles, of the road, and of the fields.

No threat is too big or small.

Semitruck coming down the road. It better keep on going or suffer the barking wrath of monkeys.

Black plastic bag stuck on a fence in the middle of the night. Well, you're toast.

Simple little honey bee. Well, it was nice knowing you.

A couple years ago, Puggies had the opportunity to find out who's the boss between he and a wasp.
Not Puggies, but you get the idea.

Puggies soon found out that a wasp in the mouth wasn't all that is cracked up to be. (No pun intended.)
Now, you would think that the monkeys would, I don't know....Share critical information.

For example:
Dog crap tastes like s**t and shouldn't be eaten. (Snoopy)
If you get on the bed and touch me, I will have a fit. (Puggies)
If you keep picking on me, I will soon go postal. (Baby Z)
Don't try to hump the momma's leg or I will knock you out. (Lily)
If I puke up food, let me re eat it or there will be trouble. (Samson)


We are all outside on Sunday, and a bee buzzes by. Which reminds me, that a wasp flew around me yesterday and landed on my ear. But I digress...

Snoopy, who never got the memo from Puggies about the dangers of eating wasps, decides this bee is a gift from DOG and snaps at it.

And promptly spits it out.
Do you think that different breeds of dogs,
argue about which
breed of dog, God truly is?

Samson, who steals everything from everyone, decides it is his bee and licks it up off the ground.

And promptly spits it out.

Now, Puggies and Baby Z, come over to investigate.

Samson repeatedly scrapes the bee on the ground and then licks it back up.

He really does not want one of the other monkeys to eat his bee.

Finally, after about ten paw swipes and as many licks and with his audience watching, he finally eats the bee.


Because he is a greedy, greedy monkey who doesn't like to share.

And now a random fact.

A dog’s sense of 
smell is said to be a thousand 
times more sensitive than that 
of humans. In fact, a dog has 
more than 220 million olfactory 
receptors in its nose, while 
humans have only 5 million.

If that statement is so true, why must a dog put his nose all up in a strangers business. And you know what I mean! Must be a damn smorgasbord! And holy crap, I spelled that correctly at first pass!!
I earned a gold star!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Wanna see my next house?

This is the house that I will buy within two years.

Fifty acres, walkout basement, three acre pond, chicken house and lots of OMG!!

Did you read the walkout basement!!! Holy crap!
That sounds like a perfect place for a monkey house!!

Now, I suppose in two years this will have been sold.


It is in New York, after all....


Thursday, March 27, 2014

Little Bunny Foo Foo

So, a couple of months back, I had the task of trapping rabbits.

The Reckoning of Little Bunny Foo Foo

This is the reason my current company hired me. Not only do I have a vagina. First, because I am a woman in a male dominated field and secondly, because I am super cool  none of the guys know how to trap animals.

Now, before you get your panties in an uproar. I am all about exclusion  and education first. And only humane trapping.

These wascally wabbits were going into a parking lot and chewing up the wires up under the cars. Which is slightly odd until I discovered that some parts on cars contain soy. Like as in made of soybeans. I swear this world is cray-cray anymore.

Most Popular Rabbit in the World

Anyhoo....rabbits are notoriously difficult to trap. Unless, of course, you are me! Seriously, there were bets placed at the office that I would capture none. Well, sorry suckers, I won.

Now, depending on your states laws, there are regulations on disposing of captured wildlife.

Unknot those panties, right now!

I release them on my property. Which sorta gives them a fighting chance.

Because the weather was cold, and it was dark when I got home with the bunbuns. I placed them in my laundry room, fed and watered them. The next morning, I would release them. Hoping that they would find a hideout and live happily ever after, making more bunbuns.

So, it happens that I catch a young rabbit. Awww.... itty bitty ears, itty bitty tail. Sooooo cute!!

Baby bunbun

Same routine, laundry room, food, water.
It was too cold to release so...
Laundry room, food, water for the next couple of days.

Okay, bunbun, time for you to be free. I let bunbun out and he hops under my personal vehicle.
Okay, no problem.
I come home and there is bunbun.
Same thing the next day.
Bunbun doesn't want to leave.
He's hanging out near the porch.
Fine! Now I own a bunny.
I go outside but bunbun won't come to me. And I never asked what it's name was, so it's not like I could call it and he would hop on over.
Okay, I think. If you are here tomorrow morning, I am scooping you up and building you a pen.

The next morning I decide to take Puggies for a walk.
We go down the steps, Puggies dips his head down and won't move.

Well, I look to the side of his face and I can see the bunbun's ears sticking out of Puggies' maw. Puggies has found the detached head of the cute bunbun.
I hear, crunch, crunch and he swallows.

Now, Puggies decides that we can now continue our walk. As we start to walk, I see some entrails of the poor bunbun left on the walkway. Poor, poor bunbun.

On our way, back from our walk, Puggies decides to clean up the rest of the bunny. I let him. Puggies is the quicker-picker upper of bunny entrails.

Fortunately, that trapping job ended. I'm sure the foxes were disappointed.

no more bunbuns to eat

Not sure what the point of this post is, but I'm really not on board with the whole making cars out of biodegradable material.


Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Pushing Coal

Well, let's see. Let us just pick a day this happened on.
How's Monday work for ya?
Okay, Monday it is. And conveniently, it really was Monday.


I'm done with my day and it's early enough to where I will miss all rush hour traffic.
Yay, me!
And my last stop is conveniently only a block or two away from an on ramp to the interstate.
Yay, me!

So, I make a turn on my last surface street and up ahead I see the lights flashing for the railroad crossing. But no ding, ding, ding.

I think to myself, "Hmm, I wonder if it is stuck and I bet I can make it."

Curiously, when I was looking for a pic just like this.
I found that this happened at the time I was musing of me running the stop.

But since I did not want to end up like the pic above. I stopped.
I always stop about three car lengths away from the railroad gates. Because, we all know that if a train derails it is always taking out the first two or three cars.

Overly cautious? I think not.


Here comes the train. I put my vehicle in park and I start to muse.
How many engines? How many cars? I wonder what fuels the engine. I will have to google that. Remember that time that I sat and counted four engines and over two hundred cars. Huh. I wonder how long I sat there. Oh, and how about the time I had to borrow a phone from a fellow motorist to call work and tell them I would be late because the motorcycles for Toys for Tots were in the hundreds and the intersection was halted. Remember when I was traveling with the boy out in the middle of the western United States. I think it was New Mexico and there were train tracks in the middle of no where. And then the gates came down and we waited and waited and finally a train came by carrying radioactive materials and nasty bad chemicals. Wow, that was a long time ago.

Meanwhile, I am counting train cars. They are carrying coal.
Now, that's pretty interesting. I wonder where they are going. Do you think that the coal powers the train. no, i would  see a smokestack. i wonder who regulates that? the EPA? i wonder how many cars are behind me. i wonder how many people are getting pissed off. that guy to the left of me he's on the phone he doesn't care. i wonder who he's talking to. is that one baby seat in the back or two. i didn't know they made pink ones. i don't like it. hmm, what does it say on those coal cars?radiant heat only max aluminum temp 250. does aluminum melt at 250. i dont think so. my pots and pans would be melted. does coal combust at 250. i will have to google that. if the coal freezes does it make oil at the bottom of the car. ha! just kidding. if the train collides into another train going 250 mph could they make diamonds. hahahaha. i kill me....

Car count 25.
dont hammer on the side of car. why? what will happen? could we make a diamond like that? bahhahaha. im a nut! Caution no side ladder. well, how in the hell am i to check on my diamond making capabilities?Rotary coupler end. that sounds kinda sexy. hmmm, nice pair of chisel buttocks, tanned of course. ya know sometimes i miss the beach. Doors are locked when indicator is within stripe. that sounds about right. i wonder if the train engineer gets bored. bet he has a Playboy up in there with him. pervert.where do they go to the bathroom. i wonder how many female engineers they are. i wouldnt wear that silly hat. i like hats. big floppy straw hats. snoopy has floppy ears, so does puggies. i like to bite them. not hard. my boys ears used to fold up. i could fold them three times. i will have to ask him if he can still do that. Stand clear of doors. well, thats just good advice anytime. 

At car number 108. Dead stop.

huh. wonder why the train stopped. i really should have just blown through the warning lights. do i hear another train. okay that makes sense. wonder how long this train will be. union pacific, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...i hope its not a long one. eleven, twelve. yayyy union pacifics engine was really clean. did they wash it? maybe its new.

So, now it has been FOREVER and people start getting out of their cars. I see two old guys get out of a van and I yell out. "Hey, did either of you bring backgammon or cards?"

Well, now I know this guy's life story from 1992 until present time. Would you like for me to share? Nah, I won't. It just isn't as riveting as this post. HA!
So, after listening to this guy's decades of stories, the train starts to move. Yay! That's what he said. I called him an optimist and settled back in for the wait.

One hundred and eight, one hundred and nine.....wait a minute....they are slowing down.

Dead stop again at 120.

Huh. Now, I have a grandpa walking a little kid up to see the train. He stops and pick up something from the ground. I wonder what it was.

I bet a dime. i wonder how many people walk on this sidewalk in a day. not many, i bet. would he pick up a bug for the little kid? think the kid would eat a bug? green or black? i dont know if i would eat a green juicy bug, but the black ones would be crunchy and i bet a leg would get stuck in a tooth or to the roof of my mouth. but i would eat a bug.

Ooops! The train is moving again. I crane my neck and I can see the final two engines!

I start clapping, and make motions with my arms and hands as though I am moving the train along. My sheer will and determination kept that train moving.

So, forty minutes, for engines, one hundred and twenty eight coal cars later, I get to drive home to google this information.

Most freight trains use diesel fuel. The fuel tank is at the center of the locomotive, under the belly, centrally located between the front and rear wheels. Trains can move a ton of freight nearly 450 miles on a single gallon of fuel. The estimated length of my train. 7064 ft. a mile is 5280 train was 1.33 miles long. estimated weight of coal 6,400,000 lbs estimated weight of engines and empty coal cars....5,552,000 lbs combined total of 11,952,000 lbs or 5976 TONS! So, 13.28 gallons of diesel to move the train a mile. National average for diesel fuel $3.51. $46.61 to move that train a mile. 2776 driving miles between LA and NY.  $129,389. Average selling price for one ton of coal $68....and I'm stopping right here!

Okay, enough. Seriously. Train people are very passionate about trains, thanks Google. And coal is, in my opinion, fascinating! The only thing I know for sure about today is...I spent 40 minutes away from home thinking about trains, and another two hours studying about coal.

Departure point of my train.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Breakfast Club

"They just ignore me." the basketcase

Every kid entering high school should have to watch this movie. And each year until they graduate.

Lessons learned in this movie.

Home life sucks.
School sucks.
Parents suck.
Teachers suck.
Friends suck.

But hey, high school doesn't last forever.

Things I have learned in life.

People lie.
Television lies.
Politicians lie.

Oh, and dreams change.

I originally wanted to become a psychiatrist. But I felt it was not an exact science. I did not want the responsibility of someone's mental health on maybes. I left that dream behind.

Then I wanted to work for a jewelry company. I did so very successfully for many years.
Then my Dad died.

I changed my priorities.

I became a mortgage broker. The money was great. But, I saw the irresponsibility of the industry and could not in good conscience continue.

I became a professional animal trapper. Yes, you read that right.

Not, to brag. But, once at band camp, I caught five of these in one day!

Then more shit happened and back to retail. Then some more shit. And I moved to another state.

Even more shit and I moved again.

Now, I am back into pest control.

And you were expecting a really gross pic!

And well, I have been fed up with this for awhile.

I had to really sit down with myself and think hard as to what I wanted.

I want land, a house, a damn good fence and my monkeys and some chickens and I am thinking some goats. Even though their eyes freak me out a bit.

Seriously, it creeps me out!

I want to be closer to my son in New York.

Now, I have created something that will make those dreams come true. I just need to get it to production.

So, what I am saying is, twenty some years after high school, I may not yet have life figured out, but I finally know what I want, and how to get it.

Ps. Here's the gross pic you were expecting.
And there you have it!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Well, I'll Be!!!

Things that I have learned about foxes since moving here.

The poor things live no more than five years in the wild. Awww...
So, really don't want to harass them. But, they are driving my monkeys nuts.(There's a joke in there somewhere.) And in turn, driving me nuts.

So, I decided to make them move on.
I decided to purchase a slingshot and some marbles.
In fact, I placed them in my Amazon shopping cart on Wednesday night.

Are these incredible or what!!!

Now, today being Thursday of last week....
All the pieces fell together.

Red foxes live on the outskirts of coyote territory. Generally, speaking the two do not have much interaction. Coyotes have no qualms killing a fox. So, a smart wily fox will stay far away from their neighbors.

The reason I know this is that I witnessed something rather strange last Sunday and had to research what I had  seen.

I saw a fox chasing a coyote across the field. WHAT?! WHAT?!
They weren't at a full out run. The coyote would run a few paces, then stop. The fox would chase a few paces, then stop. This went on across two fields.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Google to the rescue. Not.
I could not find anything on the web about  this curious behavior. Huh. Interesting.

Last Monday, I realized that the foxes are denning less than 100 feet from my house. That explains why he just lays in the field right there. I saw her come out.
This is why the fox was chasing the coyote!!

Last Tuesday, I drove over to where they are denning but can't see the opening that I know is there. No, I did not get out. I am not stupid, as a general rule.

Last Wednesday, Amazon shopping cart.

Last Thursday, I watched him bring his meal back to the den, where she came out to eat.

Revelation struck!

Okay, let's do the math.

One boy fox plus one girl fox equals....



Hmmm..... a foxy gramma, at that!


Now, I'm on kit watch! Stay tuned!


Saturday, March 22, 2014

My Noisy Neighbors

I absolutely LOVE  where I live.

But there are a couple drawbacks.

For example, SNOW!

Actually, snow is not the problem at all. It is my driveway and three miles of unplowed roads until I get to the highway. When I KNOW, that it is going to snow,(it's freakin' Colorado, snow today gone tomorrow!) I park my vehicles at the end of the driveway. Then in the morning, I traipse a full third of a mile to my vehicles.

Ahhhh, morning, the dawn's early light. Well, no. When I leave in the morning it is often 4:30am. And I don't know about your neck of the woods but here it is dark, dark, DARK.
I mean like up a gorilla's nostril dark.
Like, being wrapped in black silk sheets and tossed into a car trunk, dark.
Like, closing your eyes in a closet in the basement of Hogwart's.
That's gotta be pretty dark, right?


Almost every night, at 10 pm. I hear this....go to mark 30 seconds.

Now when I hear them, I know where they are and how far the distance.
One mile at the river, just to the east of me.
Okay, fine and dandy.

last week they were in the back fields and CLOSE.

Makes for a looooong walk in the dark.


Friday, March 21, 2014

The Most Relaxed Fish on the Planet

I love fish tanks. I find them calming and entertaining.
Little fishies swimming back an forth. The sound of the bubbles breaking the surface.

Did I mention that I want one?

No little bitty tank. I want 30 gallons plus!

Georgia Aquarium- Largest in the World- 6.3 million gallons!

But here's the problem.

Fish don't remind me to feed them.

My monkeys have stomachs that are bottomless and they remind me, let's just say constantly.
But, I digress.

Today, meaning Tuesday. I was visiting an assisted living facility and guess what?
Yep! They have a fishtank. Fifty maybe, sixty gallons.
But I don't really recall what type of fish there were and this is why.

There is a floater.
There he is just bobbing away at the top.

I think to myself. "Huh, I don't think people want to be reminded of death in a place like this." So I tell the receptionist that there is a dead fish in the tank. Problem solved, I guess.

So, when I am leaving I see Mister Floaty giving me the ol' white eye. And again I tell the receptionist.



She says they have a fish tank service and she will call them, so that they can fish Mister Floaty out.
But, first she gets up and goes to look at the tank.

She's looking at the tank and I can tell she can't see Mister Floaty. Did I mention that Mister Floaty is more than four inches?

She points to the bottom of the tank and says is that the dead one?

 "giant algae sucker", Pterygoplichthys pardalis
And I say....

"Umm, no. The dead one is the floating one."

She says...

"Are you sure?"

You know, she may have a point. I am not a fish doctor.
Though, I bet I could play one one tv.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spring, Sprang, Sprung!

First of all, the weatherman can bite my lily white butt!
Secondly, so can the Weather Channel.
But, not to worry. I will still check your site daily, as I am a masochist.



The birdies are returning! I hear them singing!

The fields are greening up!

They are burning the ditches for the spring water!

I returned home on Sunday from a quick run to the store. I pulled in my drive and park next to a tree. I don't know what kind of tree. It is currently naked but!!!
The silver grey catkins are back!

You totally though I typed naked butt!!!!

So what did I do? Did I caress it with my fingers?

Nope, nope, nope!

I brushed my lips against it!!!

Aww, it was like kissing a baby kitty cat!



Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Dear Crazy People,

That refers at least in this particular instance, to you, Dear Reader.

So, Dear Reader, or all twelve of you collectively, Dear Readers.

I am perfectly fine.

Not fineee,as in what a fineee ass. Because, honestly my ass is more like lukewarm cottage cheese.
I really gotta work on that!
Fine as in normal health.

Now there is a reason I know this.
Remember when I lost my mind and created a posting on the personals on Craig's list?

That was just around Christmas time.

Well, I was pretty psyched up for dating. mostly


New Year's Eve....

It just so happened, in the course of my job, my finger came in contact with a used needle.
And it drew blood.

I panicked for all of maybe half a second. Seriously.

Logically there is no reason to worry.

But now, I have to go in for regular blood tests. And have to continue for the next six months.

The company panicked, local management panicked, wives of the guys that I work with were telling them to be nice and oh, how scared they were for me.

And that's pretty much how I said it.

But with my son, it showed him that I am no longer the superwoman he grew up with. That I do have an expiration date.

Who knows when, but as I have said before....BS happens.

But, let me just let you in on a little secret.

I won't go quietly 
and I'm taking as many 
of you
 as I can 
with me!!!


Ps. I love that you care! And I love that you read my little blog!