So, I lied....

I don't like liars and I really don't like lying. But, when your back is against the wall. Well?

A few months ago, I noticed Sampson had a boo boo on his foreleg. I am not really squeamish but I thought I knew what it was and I knew it was beyond my capabilities to help.

Sampson with his ears blowing in the wind and Snoopy coming up from behind.

So, I ended up taking him to the local vet. Being that I live in the middle of nowhere, I mistakenly thought that this would be a country vet.

I thought that somehow, Sampson had ripped off the upper pad on his foreleg. Ew, gross, not gonna look.
What it turned out to be was a piece of skin just dangling off his leg. Seems he and one of the other monkeys had a tussle when I wasn't looking.

The vet who looked at it said and I quote, "He will need surgery."

Excuse me?! He has a half inch of skin dangling and this assclown wants to anaesthetise my monkey and clip off a piece of skin.

Umm, no.

I told the vet to give me antibiotics and was on my merry way, vowing never to return to that vet clinic.
Seriously.

Sampson took care of his leg, no problem.

Smiling Baby Z with Photobombing Snoopy.

Well, now Baby Z got his ear chewed pretty bad in a fight which I inadvertently started.

I got my thumb chewed pretty good also. But that is neither here nor there.

Baby Z needs antibiotics and I need a prescription to get him antibiotics. Absolutely ridiculous.

Anyhoo.....

I'm not going to a vet.

I ordered what Baby Z needs off a reputable website.

But I need vet approval.

One of the options is to mail them the prescription.
Umm, sure, okay.

I should have the antibiotics on Wednesday.

Does anyone have any suggestions for future medication needs?

 

Hackjob

Let me tell you that as a little girl, my mother hated me. I feel that is a relatively true statement.
I know for a fact she hated my hair. With a passion.

My hair was light, light blonde and thin. No barrette would stay in place for more than three minutes.
So, she hacked off my hair and made me part it to the side, just like a boy. Then, shellac it with AquaNet.

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If I still had the photos, I would post them.

Once, and only once she home permed me. That lasted... maybe three days.
If I still had the photos, I would post it.

Anyhoo....

I had Barbie dolls, that had long beautiful blonde hair.

I tried to give them bangs.

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I also used mascara to color one's hair.

One Christmas/Birthday, I received a Barbie head.

That didn't work out so well for Barbie.

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Besides, I felt that was a really disturbing gift.

I think that is when I realized that hairdressing was not in my future.

Now, this Saturday, it was another spectacular day here and the monkeys were outside.

I decided to brush them all and use the Furminator on them.

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Love the Furminator.

But....

I took it a step further, maybe too far.

I got the scissors out and well.....Professional Monkey Groomer is not a good career choice for me.

Lily's butt.


 

A Determined Monkey

If anything, I have learn that monkeys are protective.

Of me, of empty plastic bottles, of the road, and of the fields.

No threat is too big or small.

Semitruck coming down the road. It better keep on going or suffer the barking wrath of monkeys.

Black plastic bag stuck on a fence in the middle of the night. Well, you're toast.

Simple little honey bee. Well, it was nice knowing you.

A couple years ago, Puggies had the opportunity to find out who's the boss between he and a wasp.

Not Puggies, but you get the idea.
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Puggies soon found out that a wasp in the mouth wasn't all that is cracked up to be. (No pun intended.)
Now, you would think that the monkeys would, I don't know....Share critical information.

For example:
Dog crap tastes like s**t and shouldn't be eaten. (Snoopy)
If you get on the bed and touch me, I will have a fit. (Puggies)
If you keep picking on me, I will soon go postal. (Baby Z)
Don't try to hump the momma's leg or I will knock you out. (Lily)
If I puke up food, let me re eat it or there will be trouble. (Samson)

Anyhoo.....

We are all outside on Sunday, and a bee buzzes by. Which reminds me, that a wasp flew around me yesterday and landed on my ear. But I digress...

Snoopy, who never got the memo from Puggies about the dangers of eating wasps, decides this bee is a gift from DOG and snaps at it.

And promptly spits it out.

Do you think that different breeds of dogs,
argue about which
breed of dog, God truly is?

Samson, who steals everything from everyone, decides it is his bee and licks it up off the ground.

And promptly spits it out.

Now, Puggies and Baby Z, come over to investigate.

Samson repeatedly scrapes the bee on the ground and then licks it back up.

He really does not want one of the other monkeys to eat his bee.

Finally, after about ten paw swipes and as many licks and with his audience watching, he finally eats the bee.

Why!?

Because he is a greedy, greedy monkey who doesn't like to share.



And now a random fact.

A dog’s sense of 
smell is said to be a thousand 
times more sensitive than that 
of humans. In fact, a dog has 
more than 220 million olfactory 
receptors in its nose, while 
humans have only 5 million.

If that statement is so true, why must a dog put his nose all up in a strangers business. And you know what I mean! Must be a damn smorgasbord! And holy crap, I spelled that correctly at first pass!!

I earned a gold star!

Monkeys and Alcohol

First off, let me just say that I am not a regular drinker. Hell, the last beer I had was back in Hell and I have been here since Christmas.

That being said, over two weeks ago I bought a 12  pack of beer. I'm down to the last beer tonight.

I will go get out a cold can, I prefer bottle, I don't know why I bought cans. Hell, I really don't even have a fondness for beer. But hard liquor will make me want to open up a can of whoop ass.

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Anywhoo... I will get out a cold can, drink half of it, go get another on as I know I will want it. Then I promptly forget that I have one open beer and now an unopened beer. That is how uninterested in beer I am.

The idea is soo much better than my execution. In both senses of the word.

Now remember that unopened beer? Well, who knew monkeys like beer? As soon as I set the can down, monkeys swarm it.

Fortunately, as stated earlier this is my last can.

 

PS.  No monkeys were allowed to drive after the making of this post.

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Meeting Monkeys

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Nooo. Not monkeys in a meeting!

I'm talking about meeting monkeys for the first time.

My monkeys.

My crazy monkeys.

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Well, my son has come to stay with me for a few months.

That's what I say.

He says for a few weeks.

Judging by the amount of clothing he brought....

he's got another thing coming!

Anywhooo...back to the monkeys.

Since, Samson and Lily are the top monkeys. They got to meet the boy first.

Samson, after the initial barking of  "Who the hell are you and why are you in my house?" 

Warmed up exceptionally well.

A+

Lily, after the initial question of, "You bring cookies?" 

Took to the boy very well.

A+

Now, before I go any further, I must tell you that these are not socialized monkeys.

Meaning, they don't know people other than myself.

Okay, I left Samson and Lily out as an example for people/monkey interaction.

I brought out, Puggies.

This was a longgggg process for him.

Let's just say my ears are still ringing from the noise.

I praise my boy, as he had the patience and listened carefully and followed my directions to the letter.

Puggies is somewhat won over. I only say, somewhat, as he allows my boy to pet him for a bit. Then gets up and barks. But he comes back to be pet.

He is nervous, but not fearful.

C+

I put Puggies in my bedroom and then brought out Baby Z.

He was all barks, yet eager to meet the boy.

Especially when the boy brought out the secret weapon.

That's right.

Cookies.

Baby Z even relaxed enough to yawn and lay down, just to hang out!

B+

Well, next was the 80lb monkey. Snoopy.

Whoooboy...

I brought Snoopy out on his leash.

He was eager and loud to meet the boy.

That's when Lily stepped in. She knew that Snoopy was too eager and put him in his place.

Repeatedly.

So much so, that I had to put her up in the laundry room.

But, I was expecting this, and had warned my boy.

I was able to remove the leash from Snoopy and just hold his collar as he and my boy interacted.

Snoopy lets my boy pet him and enjoyed it too.

But this is a slow process for all involved.

Snoopy gets an A for enthusiasm but a D- for manners.

So all in all not bad for a two hour meeting!

Plus there were cookies for all!!!

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Because Momma knows, it's tough to bark with a mouth full of cookies!

 

Noses to the Wind

The wind blows strong

Carrying a song

of life

of death

Noses to the wind

The high grass waves 

The water breaks ripples

Noses to the wind

The story of the cow

the calf and the bull

Noses to the wind

The neighboring dogs

the coyotes call

Noses to the wind

The snow on the mountains

the bear in the wood

Noses to the wind

The rabbit in the hole

the fox on the trail

Noses to the wind

The voles underground

the 'coon in the tree

Noses to the wind

All day we play
All day we run

Except when

Noses to the wind

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Sugar Coated Monkey

This was not a good weekend for me....AT ALL.
I suspect, Tuesday I will have to plead for my job. But that is a story for later in the week.

This weekend I expanded the monkey's fenced area and added something they absolutely love.

The expansion was not as large as I had hoped. I ran out of motivation and crucial supplies. But what was completed, the monkeys love.

They now have a play sand pit to play in. I didn't build that. But the expansion included it, so YAY!!

I bought them a kiddie pool and a sprinkler. I may have to buy a second pool as some don't wish to share.

Stargazer Lily via

The star of this story is Lily, full name, Princess Lily Bear. She is a Black Mouth Cur and I suspect Golden Retriever mix. She is a pretty little girl. Curious, stubborn, and a leader. I won't mention the pain in my patootie part.

Lily is a water dog. She will get in the pool and stretch out on her tummy. She bites at the waves and is great entertainment. Especially when she tries to roll to her back in the water. Then she will jump out of the pool and shake off the excess water.

Now, at first she would find the nearest bare spot in the grass and roll around grunting and groaning. Sheer pleasure for her. But now she has discovered the sand pit.

She couldn't be happier!! She runs to the sand pit and rolls like there is no tomorrow.

When she gets out she looks like she is covered in sugar, sweet as pie.

Evil Snow Queen via

Or the evil Snow Queen, which is somehow more her style.




 

5 Monkeys and Mother's Day

Before I tell you what the monkeys got me for Mother's Day. I will first tell you of how I ended up with 5 monkeys.

It was 2 am on some hot night and I was on the phone with family overseas.

Samson, my original monkey, was sleeping on the floor, as monkeys are not allowed to sleep in the bed with me. The air conditioner is on and I'm chatting away on the phone.

I hear a whimper and I look down at Samson, thinking he is making noises in his sleep. He looks fine. I continue to talk on the phone.

I again hear a whimper and I realize that it is not Samson, the whimper came from outside my window. I jump up and look out the window. I swear I just saw a possum run under the window.

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Crap, I think to myself, possums don't whimper but a puppy will. I tell the family member, I gotta go! There is a puppy in my yard!

I go outside and I don't see one puppy but TWO! Then I look out past the hole in the fence and see not one more puppy, but TWO MORE! Holy Crapfest, FOUR PUPPIES!!!

Now this will give you some idea of the condition these poor babies were in.

The past couple of days the temperatures were soaring past the 100 degree mark!
They were skeletal, with big bellies full of worms.
They were so tiny that I could carry all four of them in both hands.
Truly pathetic little creatures.

I first gave them some water, then drove over to Walmart 15 miles away. Because, they need puppy food and worm medication. Fifteen miles later, I discover that this Walmart is not open 24/7.
Who knew?

Flash forward a bit.

I tried to give them away. I went to Petsmart, Walmart and Petco. I set up "shop" in the parking lots.

People wanted to know what kind of pups they were. Hell if I know! Four legs, a tail and unconditional love! What more do you want from a dog?!

I looked up all the shelters. This was not a good thing for dogs. In Hell, where I lived Craigslist was full of unwanted dogs. People in Hell throw dogs on the sides of the road and let them fend for themselves or shoot them.

So long story short, my 5 monkeys have a forever home with me.

Okay, so with a few bucks, I sent the monkeys to Walmart. Like Walmart would notice. Pfft...have you seen what shops at Walmart?

Anywhoo.....here's what they bought me.

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Yes, an owl scent warmer night light. Mine plugs into the wall and has a lid on the top. Where most lids belong. Good choice from the monkeys!

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Good choice by the monkeys! I needed these for my other scent warmer. These monkeys are very thoughtful!

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Another clever gift from the monkeys! I needed one of these to put my tea concentrate in. Who knew monkeys watch me so closely in the kitchen!

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Okay, this one had me stumped. Are the monkeys tell me to get off the couch and into the game or what?! Do the monkeys think I am fat? WTH? I'm being judged by monkeys? Ack!! To hell with that! So I threw the stupid basketball out in their yard. Where Snoopy brought it back into the house no more than 2 minutes later looking like this:

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I'm really not sure how to interpret this.

Anywhoo...my favorite son picked me up a new laptop. That's 'cause he's got bigger pockets than the monkeys.

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How to Make a Mousicle in 25 Easy Steps

Gather these ingredients prior to making Mousicle.
Serving size is one.

5 monkeys
carpet padding
a vacuum
family room
sectional couch
laundry room door
a bed
a job
a mouse
glue boards
Wal-mart plastic bag
freezer

You may vary the quantity of the ingredients, but I can not guarantee the same results.

Please remember, "Safety First!"

1. You must own 5 monkeys. I have the hunting variety, but you may select that which you are most comfortable.

2. Go to your job. Leave the monkeys to free ranging the yard and house.

3. Come back home. (Sometimes, that's the tricky part.)

4. Open door to find blue foam all over the family room.

5. Figure out that it is not your missing blue flip flop, but in fact is the padding that belongs under the family room carpeting.

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6. Stand for approximately 3 to 5 minutes, wondering "WTH?"

7. Pick up carpet padding and try to piece it back together under the corner of the carpeting the monkeys have dug up.

8. While vacuuming the family room, ponder why you have 5 monkeys.

9. Rearrange family room furniture so this CAN'T happen again.

10. Spot a grey blur streak across the floor and dive under another piece of furniture. (Just a note: You do not need to dive under any furniture until possibly step 11. In this instance, I am referring to the blur.)

11. When the 5 monkeys also spot the blur, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY!! (Refer to step 10, if necessary.)

12. Do NOT even bother to round up the monkeys for any sense of calm.

13. Watch the blur become a mouse and run under the laundry room door. (Note: Again I refer to the mouse. Please do not attempt to run under any laundry room doors.)

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14. Show the monkeys where the mouse went, then watch them ignore you because they are hunting monkeys and you don't know diddly about hunting mice.

15. Go to bed and forget to set the mouse traps.

16. In the morning, lock up all the monkeys. You do not want to repeat steps 1 through 15.

18. When you come home from work, constantly remind yourself to set traps.

19. Just before bed, lock up monkeys and set traps.

20. The next morning, conveniently forget that you placed mouse glue boards in family room.

21. Next, look for your largest monkey. Mine is Snoopy.

22. Try not to laugh yourself to death as you try to call him or her over to you.

23. At this stage your Mousicle should resemble this: mouse on center of glue board, glue board stuck to Snoopy's chin, where he can smell the mouse but can't eat it.

24. Pull glue board off your monkeys chin.

25. Place mousified glue board in a Wal-mart plastic bag, place in freezer.

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And that is how you make a Mousicle!

Patent Pending, Copyrighted, and all that jazz....not!
I'm not sure where you could Pinterest this, Helpful Household Hints?

Another Monkey Impersonation

We had a little bit of excitement here a day ago. But I will write of that later.

All five monkeys were in the family room. I'm not going to tell you what they were doing.
I walk into the kitchen as soon as my back was turned I heard....