Saturday, March 30, 2013

Cemeteries can be funny.


In my travels to and from work I pass a cemetery. I find them fascinating.

Curiously, I only notice this cemetery after a snow.
I have never seen any footprints in the snow since I have started noticing the cemetery.

So, I got to thinking....

practical jokes.

Yeah, I know twisted. But, apparently that's who I am!

What I was thinking, maybe I could buy a couple bags of topsoil and walk barefoot backwards to a grave. Brush the snow from the top of the grave and pour the topsoil on top of it.

Now, I'm thinking people would think that someone escaped. Something like the Zombie Apocalypse. Even better if I did multiple graves.


I was thinking that maybe too gruesome for some, so I decided that this on top of a grave would be hilarious.



Friday, March 29, 2013

Diet Coke and Explosive Diarrhea

I used to have three best friends. Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi and my bestie of my besties, Diet Dr. Pepper.

We were inseparable. We went everywhere together. A car ride, a lunch or dinner out, a walk around the park, or just hanging out at the house. Though curiously, never at a bar. 
But with most friend choices of youth, they were not good for me.

I knew they were causing me trouble. Big Trouble.

I constantly had to pee. It just got worse and worse. The urge would hit fast.  I NEED TO PEE NOW ! But I kept drinking and drinking those diet drinks. 
I'm stubborn like that.

So stubborn in fact, that I stopped a drugstore and bought those little women's pee pee pads.
Not the full on adult diaper, mind you. Just the little delicate pee pee pads. (Diet Coke or dignity? We know who won that battle.)

Well, it came to pass, that while I was ready to walk into a business, as I was getting out of my vehicle..... I coughed....and the dam broke.


I had no control whatsoever!

Pathetic really.

So. not at that moment of course but a couple days later, I made the momentous decision to eschew all diet soda. (Did you read the part, "a couple days later."? Read that as....I"M AN IDIOT!)

For a couple days, awesomeness. I didn't need to pee every damn half hour. YAYYY ME!!

But then I ran out of water. I stopped at a gas station and was ready to purchase water, until I saw the ridiculous prices.

Aha, I thought. I will get a fountain drink. As long as it is not soda, diet or otherwise I'm golden!
I selected a sugar free raspberry I don't know what, and cut it with water as it was too sweet.
I, of course, patted myself on the back, for my resolute attitude and continued on my merry way for about ....a half hour.

Holy crap, I'm a dolt!!!! Sugar free means that same chemical crap that makes me peeeeeeee!!

Of course, I'm in an area I don't know and use my "trusty" GPS to locate the nearest and I mean NEAREST gas station.

I get there and I'm ready to explode. I walk in sedately like I don't have Niagara Falls ready to burst from my bladder and ask the clerk "May I use your restroom?"


HIS response, "We don't have a restroom."


Anywhoooo... as I contemplate peeing right there on the floor in the store. I walk out and race to the next location.

Now you are probably wondering what this has to do with explosive diarrhea.

Nothing really, except the next time anyone tells me there is no restroom. I will simply smile and nod and in a very chipper cheery voice say.....

May your God bless you with safe travels and 
explosive diarrhea.



Thursday, March 28, 2013

Monday. A Day of Suckatude....

Yes, I know it is not Monday but it was earlier this week. Most think that it is the first day of the week. But both you and I know different.

I'm trying to determine the definition of Suckatude.

a) a day that sucks
b) a day that has a problem with your very existence, for no apparent reason
c) a day that is so off kilter that it is laughable
d) a day that you yell "Phooey" out loud when you know all the really good curse words
e) a day when you keep checking with others to make sure it's still Monday and the Suckatude hasn't crept into Tuesday

Yep, Suckatude.

So, I need some retail therapy. Not the spend some money kind. 
Just the stuff you know that if you had it, the Suckatude will stay at bay.

No stomach, but big legs.

Headache from not eating and no tummy to put the food in.

Distraught over the constant need to poop, but nothing comes out.

Trying not to giggle, when imparting valuable knowledge.

Having to pee so badly and not even a 7-11 around.

All these items were found on the Worldstock section.
No endorsements, paid or otherwise. You know the drill.

Have a Suckatude-free week!


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Mermaid Sighted in Colorado

To my limited knowledge (I didn't Google to confirm) there has never been another mermaid sighting in Colorado. I don't  even know it there is a large enough body of water in Colorado to support a healthy population of mermaids.

The sighting occurred on a dark and stormy night. Of course, isn't that always the way?

Anywhoo, I was driving on the highway being cautious of my speed as it was snowing and the roads were slick. I was in the right lane when I noticed flashing red lights of a fellow motorist on the shoulder of the road. 

I must move to the left, is what I thought. Checking my rear view mirror, I see another motorist speeding up my rear. Then the 18 wheeler ahead of me applies his brakes. Can you feel the scenario? Heart pumping just a bit faster?
As I make my move to the left lane.

There she was.

Just laying in the highway.
She didn't look too healthy.
Why would she?
She's out in the middle of a highway where it is freezing and snowing!

She looked more like this but laying down.

She was laying partially across two lanes of this darkened highway.

So now I have to avoid this supernatural obstacle .


Fortunately, I avoid all these obstacles and as I pass the mermaid (and you know I was totally going to go back and rescue her) my brain finally makes the giant leap to reality to reveal that my stranded mermaid was in fact,

Ummm, yes, a roll of carpet.



Ps..No drugs or alcohol were being used at the time of the sighting or the writing of this post.
Pss. It's always an adventure in this little noggin of mine.

Monday, March 25, 2013

5 Monkeys and a Mop

If any of you recall, the monkeys disdain any type of housework. For those of you that don't remember, click here.

Anyhooo, mopping is a huge challenge around here. 



 five dogs monkeys, 

Seriously white tile


and acres of snow melt mud.

The combination is enough to make a grown woman cry!

Next, imagine...a sink full of hot soapy water, a roller mop, and monkeys locked away from interfering with mopping session.

Invariably, five mopping strokes into the mopping session, some evil will befall one of the monkeys or they will escape from their monkey pen and said mopping session is over.  This makes for a rather horrible white floor.

I had used a Swiffer but it just didn't cut the mustard. So to speak.
Now, recently I bought a Rubbermaid Reveal mop. 

Most wonderful invention on the planet.

This is not paid endorsement, but if you own five monkeys it is the most wonderful invention on the planet.

This little puppy is FANTASTIC. I fill it with water and my cleaner of choice, squeeze the trigger and OMG my floors are white again! The trick here is that it uses so little liquid, that the floor is almost completely dry before the next squeeze or the next monkey mud print.

I can mop around the monkey mayhem!!


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I'm late, I'm late....

According to a couple different sources my last frost date is between May 5-13. Which means, I just ran to my sink and watered up my little Jiffy pots and soaking seeds as you read this.
Today I will be Jiffy potting the following seeds.


Spearmint- Menta Spicata
Parsley- Extra Curled Dwarf
Sweet Basil- Ocimum basilicum
Oregano- Origanum vulgare hirtum
Cilantro-Coriandrum sativum

Livingston Seed Co.

Pea- Early Frosty **Heirloom**


Sweet Pepper- Kaleidoscope Mix

Eggplant- Garden Blend

Now according to some sources, I can directly sow the following:

Livingston Seed Co.


Spinach- American **Heirloom**

The Page Seed Company

Radish Early Scarlet Globe-Raphanus sativus

Swiss Chard- Bright Lights


Turnip- Purple-Top White Globe
Chives-Common Allium schoenoprasum
Spinach-Space Hybrid
Spinach-Early Prolific Hybrid

However, Saturday looks like a snow day. Maybe, I can throw those little buggers in the ground on Sunday.

After reading yet ANOTHER source, I will be waiting a couple more weeks.



Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Coming Out of the Closet


I'm originally from the land of heat, humidity and lizards. South Florida for the uninitiated.
With a brief layover in Hell, I am now in Heaven.

For those who have never been to Colorado, it is not all snow and mountains. 

Shocker! I know!

On my side of the range it is a semi-arid environment. That actually means NO HUMIDITY!

My skin was suffering, my nasal passages dry and OMG my lungs!! So when I felt the familiar sensation of Pleurisy creeping up on me, I knew it was time to take action.

I purchased a humidifier! Yayy, smart me!

Problem was, the rooms are too large or too open to increase the humidity to an acceptable level.

 I really need to build an indoor waterfall like this. 

But due to limited funds, I had to improvise.

So, I moved my clever self into one of the smaller walk in closets and there I slept each night  for a couple weeks. It worked like a charm. I could breathe again like a normal human. Which by the way, is an enormous plus!

One day, while chatting with my son, I tell him of my sleeping arrangement.

He deadpans, "So, Mom. What you are telling me, is that you come out of the closet every day."

"Yes, Son. I come out every day." "I'm straight, don't hate."

Monday, March 18, 2013

To Vegetarianism or not to Vegetarianism?

That is the question.

Okay, not really.

However, I have just lost my mind. I have spring fever and in the throes of springliness ecstasty, I have purchased seeds. 

Oh, and just like you with your little unspeakable shoe buying fetish. I believe I have bought up enough seed to feed a small African nation. 
Just to give you a small glimpse of my seed goes....

Mammoth Russian Sunflowers
Black eyed Susans

Brandywine Pink
Golden Sunburst
Black Krim
Green Sausage 
Djena Lee's Golden Girl
Amish Paste

Sweet Peppers
California Wonder
Emerald Giant
Lilac Bell
Midnight Dreams
Purple Beauty
White Bell

Snowy Hybrid
Millionaire Hybrid
Rosa Bianca
Black Beauty


Hot Peppers
Hot Lemon
Hungarian Wax
Greek Pepperoncini
Jalapeno Early
Yellow Cayenne Hybrid

Moon and Stars
Sugar Baby


Small Sweet Sugar Pie
Connecticut Field

Swiss chard Fordhook Giant

Black Beauty Zucchini

Dragon Tongue
Provider Bush 
Cherokee Wax


Early Frosty Pea

Golden Cross Bantam Hybrid
Peaches and Cream

Lemon Cucumber

So, you see...vegetarianism is not going to be an option this summer. More like a commandment from the garden.