Friday, April 26, 2013

Time for....

an intermission!

I'm super busy for the next couple of days. But sadly for my dear reader, I will return!


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Should have been....

an easy, carefree day.
While I am writing this post,  it is Tuesday late afternoon.

Today turned out to be a day of minor annoyances that just did me in.

I'm taking a day off from blogging.

Be back Thursday.

Smile, it's just a day!

Now, please enjoy the picture of the first thing that popped up in the image search...after I pounded the keyboard a couple of times.

Okay, trying that again. No Turkish porn for me.

Second try.

No results found for ijtfsgcrukkuhmgkynuve4v4gnukymhkulhmluf.

Search tips:

  • Ensure words are spelled correctly.
  • Try rephrasing keywords or using synonyms.
  • Try less specific keywords.
  • Make your queries as concise as possible.

Other resources that may help you:

Fine. Now, I am typing the cutest picture ever!



Why This Son Is My Favorite

My baby boy is just incredible. Smart, handsome, kind...yeah, I know, just like yours.

But my boy is better and this is why.

Did he develop the cure for cancer?
Did he rescue an orphan moose, hand feed it back to health and release it back to the wild?

But he did take my picture.
Then he drew on the picture, in purple.

He drew a purple crown on my head and wrote, "My Mom" on the bottom of the photo in purple.

Then he sent it to a bunch of his friends.

Think about what he did. Reread it.

Now you must be thinking, "Awww, how sweet! He does love his Mom soooo very much!"
And you would be correct.

The best part of all this?
My son is not 6, 10 or 15 years old.

He is a 6'3" 25 year old man.

And yes, he loves me very much!

Ps. He is my only son, that's why he's my favorite son. I tell him this all the time! Of course, he is my only child, so I can get away with it!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Now Presenting...My Top 10 Read Posts

(click posting to read post)
If you want. I mean, what could it hurt.
Everybody is doing it.
You don't want to be left out, do you?

Dec 8, 2012, 2 comments
Mar 29, 2013, 1 comment
Dec 27, 2012, 1 comment
Dec 19, 2012, 1 comment
Dec 18, 2012, 5 comments

On a weird note: When I origianlly mde this post, THE WORST BANK EVER had 324 reads. How does that happen?

On another note, here is one of my personal favorites!

When Wildlife Attacks, should you really be laughing?


Sunday, April 21, 2013

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Pass the Mayo

I had three addictions, I'm currently down to one.

I had the Farmville addiction for three years.(Read about it here.)
I had the Diet drink addiction ever since they were invented.(Read about it here.)

And my remaining addiction since sixth grade. Sick.

It all started with me sneaking them out of my mother's purse. Yep, cigarettes.

I did stop when my son was born. That lasted about six years.
I never smoked around my son. He caught me when he was ten. We were vacationing in Hawaii and he spotted me from the second floor. He cried and cried and told me he didn't want me to die.
No. I didn't stop. I just hid better.

I had the patch. Bah!

Last year, I bought Chantix for $180. And stopped taking it as it made me sick as hell. Plus I was terrified of the dreams I was told I was going to get. My dreams are crazy enough, I don't need help in that department.

I'm tired.
Tired of not having any stamina of any kind.
I'm tired of throwing my hard earned money away.

It's cold turkey time.
Please pass the mayo.


Friday, April 19, 2013

The Worst Magic Trick EVER!

And here I thought only Puggies had magical powers!

I love all the monkeys equally but each endears themselves to my heart differently.

So, like every parent, I love the monkeys equally and have no favorite.

So, let me tell you of my favorite monkey.

viaNot my Snoopy but close enough..

Snoopy is a brindle black mouth cur.

Snoopy is a monkey of many talents.

He can do impersonations.

His favorite impersonation is of a lap dog.

An 80lb lap dog.

He does work diligently on his talent. 

He was working on a new impersonation, 
a goat. 
Which lead to the discovery of this magic trick.

Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my ....

He came into the living room and started to lick his...
I had to look, he doesn't doo that. Usually.

Then he pulls something out of his...
I jump up and grab a tissue because,

He then sits back down and and is repeating this trick without much success with his...
Practice makes perfect, you know.

I see now, something blue hanging out his...
This is now causing some interest from the other monkeys. This is a danger signal.

I try to cajole Snoopy into the bathroom for some privacy. This takes a few minutes because, he is really intent about producing this blue thing from his...

So, you must realize that he needs some help with his...

So, with my naked fingers I grasp the blue thing gently and proceed to pull.

It snaps out and I get sprayed with some fecal material from his...


Oh, look! Anther blue thingie from his...

I repeat the process, but look away. This time.

This is what I learned this day.

Audience participation in a magic trick is sometimes messy.
No amount of fecal material, no matter how small, is acceptable anywhere on my face.

AND Snoopy is not allowed to practice any more impersonations without prior Chick approval.

Oh, you probably doo not want to know what the blue thingies were. If you go back and look at Bullwinkle, the answer is there. Coincidence? I think not!

Ps. No monkeys were harmed in the making of this post. Butt, the Chick did need a shower.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dating and 5 Monkeys...

Not gonna happen.

But I have been thinking.
I may have a plan.

Let me just say that as a woman with five monkeys, if I had no monkeys I would probably not want to date a man with five monkeys.

Five monkeys equal mental issues. Jus' sayin'.

Unless of course, it's a really sexxy man with a lot of land and five monkeys. And a full time housekeeper, an ugly one.

But back to my plan.

I will put myself out there and see what swims close.
Then as things progress, as I am a most fascinating creature, he will want to come over. But I will make excuses that have nothing to do with monkeys.

He will be so over the top about me, but a little suspicious as to why I won't have him over my home.

I will go to his place. We will have wild sex everywhere.
Roller coasters, cars, bridges, etc. And yes, his house will have all this.


Now that he is so enthralled by me and drunk on sex, he will begin to question why he can't come over.

Then I will tell him I am married.

This will shock him, of course. But he is soooo inebriated by love he makes the
ultimate declaration of love.

"I will have to kill your husband."

Then we jump into the car to do the deed. We race back to my home in order to kill my husband.
We go into the house...

Now, knowing that he truly loves me, I will break the news of no husband.
I have five monkeys.

If he freaks, I will have the monkeys tear him from limb to limb.
If he thinks, "This is Awesome." I will keep him.

Seems like a win win situation to me.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I Am Perplexed

No, I am not a man.

But, I do work in a predominately male job.

I have to wear a uniform.

I wear make up, pretty nail polish currently chipped all to hell, and my long, flowing blonde locks in a bun.
I still have to dress like a man. Sucks.

My pants are men's pants, my shirts are men's shirts and my boot are men's boots. Because I have monstrous size feet.

I waited two weeks for the uniform people to come out and measure me. I ended up having to go to them, but they forgot I was coming and no one was there to measure me.

The guy that delivers the uniforms "measured" me, sorta. "Here." he says and proceeds to just start holding shirts up to me.

My shirts are way to big. I look fat.
My pants are too short. I am waiting for the spring floods.
My shoes are my own. I really need to get a new pair.

Oh, and the jacket? It fits me and at least one of the monkeys.


Sounds totally sexy, I KNOW!

So, Saturday I pull into one of my regular customers to purchase a beverage of my choice.
Not Diet Anything, thank you very much!

I walk up, smile and greet him, all decked out in my company LOGOED, hideous assed uniform and he says......

"Are you off today?"
I am Perplexed!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Boston Marathon...Dammit!

Remember that I told you I don't own a television. I don't watch television, etc., etc. Well, it's true.
I even gave up talk radio after the last election.
Then I started noticing radio news reporters would "report" on a crime, give the clothing description of the "alleged" perpetrator, but not mention the race or physical description. The first time it happened, I thought I wasn't listening well enough. Then it became a trend.
I turned off the radio news channel, permanently.

Racial profiling is a farce.
Race is a fact, not a prejudice.

Today, I got a phone call from my son about today's event.

In regards to the Boston marathon massacre, this is what I would do as President.


I will no longer allow our citizens to be attacked.

The citizens of the following countries will no longer be allowed into the United States of America, until further notice.

(You know the players, so no need for me to list them all.)

If you wish to visit, you will subjected to a mandatory background check at your expense and a minimum fee of $15000.00. This will give you a 14 day ankle GPS monitored visit. If you tamper with the device, it will immediately inject you with cyanide, facilitating your death.

Should you enjoy your visit to the greatest country on the earth and wish to return the following year, a mandatory fee of $10,000.00 and the 14 day ankle GPS monitor will be utilized again. Consecutive visits will have the same requirements. (Don't forget the cyanide!)

In addition, visitors, non legal residents, and those holding student visas of said countries have 30 days to remove themselves from this country. Failure to do so, will result in your capture, being charged as a fugitive and banned from this country forever.

Furthermore, no threats whether proven legitimate or saber rattling by heads of states, presidents, dictators, etc. will be tolerated by the United States of America. Obliteration of your country will come swift with no warning.

We will remove all our soldiers from unfriendly countries, forthwith. They will come back to high paying jobs on the new oil fields in Alaska and the eastern coast of these great States of America.

We will be a nation that needs no other. Self sufficient in every way.

Any American citizen is free to leave this wonderful country and return at any time. If you, American citizen, decide to travel to any country on this list. Your life is in your own hands, we will not spend our people's hard earned money to rescue you. These are conscious decisions you have made and we will not pay for your stupidity.

Nations that stand with the noble United States of America will enjoy trade, the likes you have never seen. Nations which decide to remain neutral will be snubbed in favor of those nations that stand strongly with us.

All foreign aid will stopped immediately.
A definite test of loyalty.

Ps. I have issues with other things. But these seem the most pressing at this time.
Pss. I'm not even PMSing. Just imagine.