Friday, March 29, 2013

Diet Coke and Explosive Diarrhea

I used to have three best friends. Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi and my bestie of my besties, Diet Dr. Pepper.

We were inseparable. We went everywhere together. A car ride, a lunch or dinner out, a walk around the park, or just hanging out at the house. Though curiously, never at a bar. 
But with most friend choices of youth, they were not good for me.

I knew they were causing me trouble. Big Trouble.

I constantly had to pee. It just got worse and worse. The urge would hit fast.  I NEED TO PEE NOW ! But I kept drinking and drinking those diet drinks. 
I'm stubborn like that.

So stubborn in fact, that I stopped a drugstore and bought those little women's pee pee pads.
Not the full on adult diaper, mind you. Just the little delicate pee pee pads. (Diet Coke or dignity? We know who won that battle.)

Well, it came to pass, that while I was ready to walk into a business, as I was getting out of my vehicle..... I coughed....and the dam broke.


I had no control whatsoever!

Pathetic really.

So. not at that moment of course but a couple days later, I made the momentous decision to eschew all diet soda. (Did you read the part, "a couple days later."? Read that as....I"M AN IDIOT!)

For a couple days, awesomeness. I didn't need to pee every damn half hour. YAYYY ME!!

But then I ran out of water. I stopped at a gas station and was ready to purchase water, until I saw the ridiculous prices.

Aha, I thought. I will get a fountain drink. As long as it is not soda, diet or otherwise I'm golden!
I selected a sugar free raspberry I don't know what, and cut it with water as it was too sweet.
I, of course, patted myself on the back, for my resolute attitude and continued on my merry way for about ....a half hour.

Holy crap, I'm a dolt!!!! Sugar free means that same chemical crap that makes me peeeeeeee!!

Of course, I'm in an area I don't know and use my "trusty" GPS to locate the nearest and I mean NEAREST gas station.

I get there and I'm ready to explode. I walk in sedately like I don't have Niagara Falls ready to burst from my bladder and ask the clerk "May I use your restroom?"


HIS response, "We don't have a restroom."


Anywhoooo... as I contemplate peeing right there on the floor in the store. I walk out and race to the next location.

Now you are probably wondering what this has to do with explosive diarrhea.

Nothing really, except the next time anyone tells me there is no restroom. I will simply smile and nod and in a very chipper cheery voice say.....

May your God bless you with safe travels and 
explosive diarrhea.



1 comment:

  1. I have nothing witty to say here, other than I want to be the traveler behind you when you tell a clerk that.

    (Can't stop myself once I start reading, you need to stop by more often so I remember to stop by!)