Thursday, May 2, 2013

Mommy's Little Helper

If you knew me you would know that I love kids.

The non-bratty kind.

Not the "Oh, my child is so precocious!"

Oh! And here's a clue for all you parents that use the word precocious to describe your child. Unless your child has written a piano concerto by the age of three, your child is "just" normal. However, you my friend, are delusional and pretentious.
Jus' sayin'.

Anyhoo....I was at a friend's house over the weekend, helping out around the house with various chores.
Yes, I did look stunning in my monkey chewed sneakers and over sized shirt!

Now, If you knew me you would also know that I am very friendly. At the very least, I will smile at you if you look over in my direction.

Does this smiley make me look fat?

The first neighbor I met was Lucy.
Lucy is petite and very friendly. I mean she came right over and rubbed against me.
Odd behavior you would think, fortunately for me, Lucy is a kitty cat.

Then I saw her owner. I smiled and got no response. I gave her the benefit of the doubt as she might be nearsighted and can't see an almost six foot blonde woman standing 30 feet from her.

Well, said near sighted woman also is the mother of two children.

So, now that I have introduced the players, here we go!

This is the story of "Mommy's Little Helper".

I was sitting on the patio enjoying a break and smoking a cigarette.
Strike that!

I was standing on the patio smoking a cigarette.
Yeah, whatever, shut up!

Anywhoo... the little girls, ages about 4 and six, were playing outside in little pink sundresses. So cute. All that was missing were floating bubbles. I am watching all this with a smile on my face enjoying the sunshine. Then said, "blind as a bat" mom comes out to lay down a big pink mat for the girls to sit on. Oooo, goodie a picanic!


While mom is in the kitchen making sandwiches, Lucy the kitty cat  dives under the mat and is racing around. OMG, Funny as Hell! I'm sure everyone could hear me laughing!  The sweet little girls start to whomp on the cat until mom comes out with the sandwiches and Lucy takes off for safer ground.

The girls are kneeling munching on their sandwiches, brown curls shining in the sunlight, and here comes mom again. This time with drinks for the girls.

This is when I knew, she knew I was there.

She hands the girls the drinks in bright plastic cups with straws and before the first sip the eldest girls asks mom what is the drink.
Mom says airly, "Oh, this is a recipe I discovered. It has...."

The eldest girls interrupts and says...wait for it....

wait for it....


"Is it vodka?

Yeah, that's when I burst into laughter and ran back into the house!



  1. Oh dear! I would have done the same thing except I would have waited for the response, too. Then maybe went up to the mom and asked for her recipe. Possibly I would stick my finger in one of the glasses and taste it. All the while, smiling at mom as if all was perfectly normal.

    1. "Perfectly norma"! Ha! Love it! That is just one shade nuttier than I already am. I'm so going to have to do something like that!! Soon!

  2. Was NSM (near sighted mom) wearing a dress and related to June Cleaver? Bet those girls never made a mud pie with red poisonous berries for toppings. You should teach them how....

  3. Omg, Janie! She was wearing a big shapeless denim dress and has short hair. My rule of thumb is, if her hair is man short, don't trust the bitch. The best is her husband looks like a rocker. Not a good looking rocker, maybe a roadie.

  4. It's easier to find nits with reallllly short hair. OMG, I didn't just say that. That other me made me say it. Bless the pygmies in Africa, amen.