Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Inappropriate Laughter

So, today I visited an apartment building.

I had never been there before today. I tried the front doors, but they are key card access only, which makes my job a little bit more difficult. I could see no one at the front desk, so I whipped out my handy dandy cell phone and called. It went straight to voice mail.

Hmmm....secured building, no one answering the phone. What's a Chick to do?

Sneak in through the unlocked garage door and walk through the wide open rear lobby door is what a Chick does!

I'm clever like that!

Anywhoo...the property manager comes out and I swear she looks like she is about to cry.

I explain to her who I am and what I am there to do and away I go.

Now, I check each floor and notice large sections of drywall cut out and fans blowing in the openings.
I think to myself, "Hmmm...must have had a leak of some sort.". (See once again how clever I am?)

I finish what I do and go back down to the lobby. I walk into her office and proceed to tell her what I did.

I swear she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

Then she asked, "Do you like your job?"

Without a thought I said, "I LOVE MY JOB!"
And as I spoke those words, all the bs I deal with daily, ran through my head.
You know... too much work, not enough daylight, bad scheduling, relentless clients, etc, etc.

But I stuck to my guns and kept my mouth closed.

Then she told me the story of what happened this week at her job.

Jessica's Story Paraphrased

Jessica: Well, it all started when a tenant on the fifth floor decided to hang up some wet clothes on a wire hanger and hang the hanger on the fire alarm sprinkler head.

Which of course, broke off.

It flooded all the apartments below down to the lobby and the hallways.

Me: Now, that is kinda funny but I didn't laugh. She still looked like this.

She continues her story.

Then yesterday, I have Federal Marshals come and want to grab one of the tenants. I accompany them upstairs and knock on the door. I know he's home because the privacy latch is on.
Then the Marshals break in the door. But the guy isn't in the apartment. I look over the balcony. There he has climbed down to the fourth floor balcony. In the meantime, he has called his friends and now his friends are down on the street in a pickup truck. I thought they might be Marshals, though I thought they were a little young. So I asked the Marshals if they had a pick up truck and they said no. They had a van.

Then it dawned on me that the guy was going to jump from the fourth floor to the getaway pickup truck!

I yell to the Marshals "He's going to jump!" And then he jumps.

He hits the sidewalk and severs his legs and spine. He had huge holes in his legs.

Recap: Okay, Jessica who was on the fifth floor, has just witnessed a man jump off her building from the fourth floor,and lands right in front of her office window. How horrific. Of course, she is traumatized. Why is she at work?! 
Ps. I'm still not laughing. Yet.

Now back to Jessica.

Me: Did he survive?

He was screaming. It was terrible. I asked the Marshals if he walk again. I know Marshals have to harden their hearts,but they didn't seem to care and told me, "He'll be fine, just in a lot of pain for the rest of his life."

Now that's a hell of a story don't you think?! But she's not done yet! Read on fearless reader!

Jessica: Now later in the day, a workman came to clean up the waterlogged apartment on the fifth floor. 
You remember, from the first part of her story, prior to the jump. 

The workman enters the apartment and spooks the cat. 

Which leaps out the fifth floor window 

and lands....

on his face.

That's me on the left!

Me: Is the cat okay?!

Jessica: It only broke two teeth.

Me: And is now slightly retarded.

And now the moral of the story:

No matter how crappy your job can be, 
at the very least,
 you do not have to deal with flooding,
flying fugitives and suicidal cats!


  1. OMG! I haven't heard from you in MONTHS! I do NOT do well with this kind of one sided relationships. I mean.....long distance relationships rarely work out but, gees Louise we are talking about tap the keyboard frantically and then wham the send button. I figured you broke both hands and you're not too talented with your feet

  2. Talented feet? Well, that's a blog of a different sort!
    Didn't you get my flowers? The candy I made by hand? Dang post office!

  3. I was also concerned about you in your absence.

    I am still laughing at this story. Poor girl! Too bad she can't find the humor.