The Worst April Fool's Joke Ever!

I have friend, let's call him Hank.

Hank is 20+ years older than me, an admitted asshole, a workaholic, a recovered alcoholic, and a Christian man.

I am his best friend.

Why? Mostly, I think because I am not judgemental.

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So, when he called April Fool's Day to tell me he got served with divorce papers over the weekend. My response was...

"Great fucking joke, Hank!"

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He wasn't kidding.

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oh.

 

I WON THE LOTTERY!

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Umm, well....HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!!

A Determined Monkey

If anything, I have learn that monkeys are protective.

Of me, of empty plastic bottles, of the road, and of the fields.

No threat is too big or small.

Semitruck coming down the road. It better keep on going or suffer the barking wrath of monkeys.

Black plastic bag stuck on a fence in the middle of the night. Well, you're toast.

Simple little honey bee. Well, it was nice knowing you.

A couple years ago, Puggies had the opportunity to find out who's the boss between he and a wasp.

Not Puggies, but you get the idea.
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Puggies soon found out that a wasp in the mouth wasn't all that is cracked up to be. (No pun intended.)
Now, you would think that the monkeys would, I don't know....Share critical information.

For example:
Dog crap tastes like s**t and shouldn't be eaten. (Snoopy)
If you get on the bed and touch me, I will have a fit. (Puggies)
If you keep picking on me, I will soon go postal. (Baby Z)
Don't try to hump the momma's leg or I will knock you out. (Lily)
If I puke up food, let me re eat it or there will be trouble. (Samson)

Anyhoo.....

We are all outside on Sunday, and a bee buzzes by. Which reminds me, that a wasp flew around me yesterday and landed on my ear. But I digress...

Snoopy, who never got the memo from Puggies about the dangers of eating wasps, decides this bee is a gift from DOG and snaps at it.

And promptly spits it out.

Do you think that different breeds of dogs,
argue about which
breed of dog, God truly is?

Samson, who steals everything from everyone, decides it is his bee and licks it up off the ground.

And promptly spits it out.

Now, Puggies and Baby Z, come over to investigate.

Samson repeatedly scrapes the bee on the ground and then licks it back up.

He really does not want one of the other monkeys to eat his bee.

Finally, after about ten paw swipes and as many licks and with his audience watching, he finally eats the bee.

Why!?

Because he is a greedy, greedy monkey who doesn't like to share.



And now a random fact.

A dog’s sense of 
smell is said to be a thousand 
times more sensitive than that 
of humans. In fact, a dog has 
more than 220 million olfactory 
receptors in its nose, while 
humans have only 5 million.

If that statement is so true, why must a dog put his nose all up in a strangers business. And you know what I mean! Must be a damn smorgasbord! And holy crap, I spelled that correctly at first pass!!

I earned a gold star!

Silent Sunday 3.30.14

Basenji- Barkless dog

 

Wanna see my next house?

This is the house that I will buy within two years.


Fifty acres, walkout basement, three acre pond, chicken house and lots of OMG!!

Front

Back

Did you read the walkout basement!!! Holy crap!
That sounds like a perfect place for a monkey house!!

Now, I suppose in two years this will have been sold.

Soooo........

It is in New York, after all....

 

Little Bunny Foo Foo

So, a couple of months back, I had the task of trapping rabbits.

The Reckoning of Little Bunny Foo Foo

This is the reason my current company hired me. Not only do I have a vagina. First, because I am a woman in a male dominated field and secondly, because I am super cool  none of the guys know how to trap animals.

Now, before you get your panties in an uproar. I am all about exclusion  and education first. And only humane trapping.

These wascally wabbits were going into a parking lot and chewing up the wires up under the cars. Which is slightly odd until I discovered that some parts on cars contain soy. Like as in made of soybeans. I swear this world is cray-cray anymore.

Most Popular Rabbit in the World

Anyhoo....rabbits are notoriously difficult to trap. Unless, of course, you are me! Seriously, there were bets placed at the office that I would capture none. Well, sorry suckers, I won.

Now, depending on your states laws, there are regulations on disposing of captured wildlife.

Unknot those panties, right now!

I release them on my property. Which sorta gives them a fighting chance.
Maybe.

Because the weather was cold, and it was dark when I got home with the bunbuns. I placed them in my laundry room, fed and watered them. The next morning, I would release them. Hoping that they would find a hideout and live happily ever after, making more bunbuns.

So, it happens that I catch a young rabbit. Awww.... itty bitty ears, itty bitty tail. Sooooo cute!!

Baby bunbun

Same routine, laundry room, food, water.
It was too cold to release so...
Laundry room, food, water for the next couple of days.

Okay, bunbun, time for you to be free. I let bunbun out and he hops under my personal vehicle.
Okay, no problem.
I come home and there is bunbun.
Dammit.
Same thing the next day.
Bunbun doesn't want to leave.
He's hanging out near the porch.
Fine! Now I own a bunny.
I go outside but bunbun won't come to me. And I never asked what it's name was, so it's not like I could call it and he would hop on over.
Okay, I think. If you are here tomorrow morning, I am scooping you up and building you a pen.

The next morning I decide to take Puggies for a walk.
We go down the steps, Puggies dips his head down and won't move.

Well, I look to the side of his face and I can see the bunbun's ears sticking out of Puggies' maw. Puggies has found the detached head of the cute bunbun.
I hear, crunch, crunch and he swallows.

Now, Puggies decides that we can now continue our walk. As we start to walk, I see some entrails of the poor bunbun left on the walkway. Poor, poor bunbun.

On our way, back from our walk, Puggies decides to clean up the rest of the bunny. I let him. Puggies is the quicker-picker upper of bunny entrails.

Fortunately, that trapping job ended. I'm sure the foxes were disappointed.

no more bunbuns to eat

Not sure what the point of this post is, but I'm really not on board with the whole making cars out of biodegradable material.



   

Pushing Coal

Well, let's see. Let us just pick a day this happened on.
How's Monday work for ya?
Okay, Monday it is. And conveniently, it really was Monday.

Anyhoo....

I'm done with my day and it's early enough to where I will miss all rush hour traffic.
Yay, me!
And my last stop is conveniently only a block or two away from an on ramp to the interstate.
Yay, me!

So, I make a turn on my last surface street and up ahead I see the lights flashing for the railroad crossing. But no ding, ding, ding.

I think to myself, "Hmm, I wonder if it is stuck and I bet I can make it."

Curiously, when I was looking for a pic just like this.
I found that this happened at the time I was musing of me running the stop.

But since I did not want to end up like the pic above. I stopped.
I always stop about three car lengths away from the railroad gates. Because, we all know that if a train derails it is always taking out the first two or three cars.

Overly cautious? I think not.

Anyhoo....

Here comes the train. I put my vehicle in park and I start to muse.
How many engines? How many cars? I wonder what fuels the engine. I will have to google that. Remember that time that I sat and counted four engines and over two hundred cars. Huh. I wonder how long I sat there. Oh, and how about the time I had to borrow a phone from a fellow motorist to call work and tell them I would be late because the motorcycles for Toys for Tots were in the hundreds and the intersection was halted. Remember when I was traveling with the boy out in the middle of the western United States. I think it was New Mexico and there were train tracks in the middle of no where. And then the gates came down and we waited and waited and finally a train came by carrying radioactive materials and nasty bad chemicals. Wow, that was a long time ago.

Meanwhile, I am counting train cars. They are carrying coal.
Now, that's pretty interesting. I wonder where they are going. Do you think that the coal powers the train. no, i would  see a smokestack. i wonder who regulates that? the EPA? i wonder how many cars are behind me. i wonder how many people are getting pissed off. that guy to the left of me he's on the phone he doesn't care. i wonder who he's talking to. is that one baby seat in the back or two. i didn't know they made pink ones. i don't like it. hmm, what does it say on those coal cars?radiant heat only max aluminum temp 250. does aluminum melt at 250. i dont think so. my pots and pans would be melted. does coal combust at 250. i will have to google that. if the coal freezes does it make oil at the bottom of the car. ha! just kidding. if the train collides into another train going 250 mph could they make diamonds. hahahaha. i kill me....

Car count 25.
dont hammer on the side of car. why? what will happen? could we make a diamond like that? bahhahaha. im a nut! Caution no side ladder. well, how in the hell am i to check on my diamond making capabilities?Rotary coupler end. that sounds kinda sexy. hmmm, nice pair of chisel buttocks, tanned of course. ya know sometimes i miss the beach. Doors are locked when indicator is within stripe. that sounds about right. i wonder if the train engineer gets bored. bet he has a Playboy up in there with him. pervert.where do they go to the bathroom. i wonder how many female engineers they are. i wouldnt wear that silly hat. i like hats. big floppy straw hats. snoopy has floppy ears, so does puggies. i like to bite them. not hard. my boys ears used to fold up. i could fold them three times. i will have to ask him if he can still do that. Stand clear of doors. well, thats just good advice anytime. 

At car number 108. Dead stop.

huh. wonder why the train stopped. i really should have just blown through the warning lights. do i hear another train. okay that makes sense. wonder how long this train will be. union pacific, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...i hope its not a long one. eleven, twelve. yayyy union pacifics engine was really clean. did they wash it? maybe its new.

So, now it has been FOREVER and people start getting out of their cars. I see two old guys get out of a van and I yell out. "Hey, did either of you bring backgammon or cards?"

Well, now I know this guy's life story from 1992 until present time. Would you like for me to share? Nah, I won't. It just isn't as riveting as this post. HA!
So, after listening to this guy's decades of stories, the train starts to move. Yay! That's what he said. I called him an optimist and settled back in for the wait.

One hundred and eight, one hundred and nine.....wait a minute....they are slowing down.

Dead stop again at 120.

Huh. Now, I have a grandpa walking a little kid up to see the train. He stops and pick up something from the ground. I wonder what it was.

I bet a dime. i wonder how many people walk on this sidewalk in a day. not many, i bet. would he pick up a bug for the little kid? think the kid would eat a bug? green or black? i dont know if i would eat a green juicy bug, but the black ones would be crunchy and i bet a leg would get stuck in a tooth or to the roof of my mouth. but i would eat a bug.

Ooops! The train is moving again. I crane my neck and I can see the final two engines!

I start clapping, and make motions with my arms and hands as though I am moving the train along. My sheer will and determination kept that train moving.

So, forty minutes, for engines, one hundred and twenty eight coal cars later, I get to drive home to google this information.

Most freight trains use diesel fuel. The fuel tank is at the center of the locomotive, under the belly, centrally located between the front and rear wheels. Trains can move a ton of freight nearly 450 miles on a single gallon of fuel. The estimated length of my train. 7064 ft. a mile is 5280 feet.my train was 1.33 miles long. estimated weight of coal 6,400,000 lbs estimated weight of engines and empty coal cars....5,552,000 lbs combined total of 11,952,000 lbs or 5976 TONS! So, 13.28 gallons of diesel to move the train a mile. National average for diesel fuel $3.51. $46.61 to move that train a mile. 2776 driving miles between LA and NY.  $129,389. Average selling price for one ton of coal $68....and I'm stopping right here!

Okay, enough. Seriously. Train people are very passionate about trains, thanks Google. And coal is, in my opinion, fascinating! The only thing I know for sure about today is...I spent 40 minutes away from home thinking about trains, and another two hours studying about coal.

Departure point of my train.