Inevitability

If a plug needs to be pulled, do it with no guilt, remorse or shame.
I don't want a casket or a funeral.
Scatter my ashes in a river that flows to the sea.
Of all my possessions, choose just one to cherish. The rest sell, give away or toss.

Of what money is left, have a party surrounded by your friends and family.
Drink, toast to my memory. Laugh at my craziness. Remember my love.
Celebrate my life, not my struggle.`

Remember my laughter.
Remember how I treated others.
Remember my love for children and animals.
Remember how I would find beauty in the mundane.
Remember adventures no matter how small.
Remember I was an independent thinker.

Know that I loved ferociously.
That my heart was huge, but tender.

Know that my greatest joy, my greatest love is you.
Know that I want you to have every thing you need in your life to be happy.
Know that I want your struggles to be few and short lived.
Know that I want you to be surrounded by loving friends and family for the whole of your days.

Know that in your children's laughter, I will be there.
Know that when you hear a bird singing, I will be there.
Know when you are hurting, I am there.
Know that when you are your happiest, I am there.

Beyond the curtain of death is unknown,
but science tells us that matter is not destroyed,
it just changes.
I will be with you forever.
My love for you is beyond the moon.

With Eternal Love,

Mom
XOXOXOXOXOXO

Tomorrow's Post

Today's post is to explain tomorrows post.

I was the most difficult thing I have ever written in my life.
But, I felt it must be done.

It is written for my son, who lives far away.
He misses me and I miss him.

He's an adult with a grown up life, but he is my little boy.
You understand.

I am not sick, nor do I suspect I am sick.
But sometimes, bullshit happens unexpectedly and you never get to say what you need to say.
So, I am saying it tomorrow.

 

Silent Sunday 3.16.14

Things I Saw This Week 3.14.14

The fields are starting to green up!

Umm, snow came  back.

Kinda what my driveway looks like.

Woodlouse hunter

A pimple on my lip line!!! I would never let it get this big!!
And let me just say....OWIEE OWIEE OWWWIEEEE!!

AND!!!!!

OOOOOH, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner!!!!

 

Going Old, Old, Old School

Sometimes, it is just better to go with an oldie but goodie.

For example:

Whoa, Baby!

GAK! I couldn't stand the fashions of the 70's! I was one smart little kid!

Okay, that was a horrible example.

But, I do remember thinking that these were the GROOVIEST!

GROOVY, BABY!

I wonder how many goldfish died in the 70's for this fad.

But this isn't old, old, old school enough.


For example:

OH, YEAH!!!!

Oh, Kool-Aid Man! I was always terrified you would show up at my house. I had to switch to Hawaiian Punch.

Now, you maybe thinking, "Yes, this is old school. But damn! I wish she would get to the damn point already!"

Pfffft....shut up you.

Anywhoo.....

If you are thinking that Kool-Aid is a product of the 60's and 70's, you are wrong.
Hellooooo, developed in the 1920's!! Now that is pretty Kool!
Plus, I checked out the Kool-Aid website and OMG!!!! There is an app that you can download and the Kool-Aid Man will photobomb your pics!!! I may just have to get a new phone!!!


Okay, seriously....Throw away all your spoons.

I will wait. It will be worth it I promise.

You back yet?

Okay, the Chinese people are dang smart.

Tired of the huge soup spoons that slop all over?

Or tired of trying to eat soup with a teaspoon?

This right here solves all these problems and more.

Oh! Hell No!!

I own this exact model!!

No Joke! This little spoon will change your life! No drips from the bottom. It will float on top of your soup, like a little boat. You can take dainty sips from the side or jam the whole thing in your mouth!

I bought mine at my little Asian market for 80 cents a piece. Mine is plastic. But I will be upgrading to the porcelain. You can buy these online. If you click the pic it will take you to a Czech webpage, so if you can read Czech, have at it!

And this is soooo old school, I don't even know when they were developed! Probably when we brushed shoulders with the dinosaurs, back in the day.

 

Ps. I never used the word groovy as a child. But I am stuck on "Awesome" and it's pissing me off. I'm going to start using the word "Splendid"  instead.

Pps. If you click on the word "download" it will take you to the Kool-Aid mobile app site.

The Similarities of the Catholic Church and Public Bathrooms

First, let me just say this is not a bashing of the Catholic church.
Secondly, read on.


When I was just an itty bitty chick, I had a mom.
A religious mom.
Sunday school teaching mom.
Catholic Sunday school teaching mom.
'Nuff said.

Anyhoo....

Every Sunday we went to church.
Every Sunday.
My favorite parts were putting my quarter in the offering plate and the jelly donut I got after Sunday school.

OH MY GOSH!!! I get extra good points for not blaspheming right there!

What absolutely drove me nuts, was what I called in my later years, Catholic Calisthenics.

Something like this.

SIT
STAND 
KNEEL
STAND 
SING
KNEEL
SIT
PRAY
KNEEL
STAND
HOKEY POKEY

HECK! I was a little kid. I couldn't fathom the next move.  I was always in a constant state of stress and confusion. And with no air conditioning, a small sweaty state of stress and confusion.
Not to be confused with my current state of confusion.

Anyhoo....

Public bathrooms or Public enemy?

Here is my problem.
Technology.

Do I flush the toilet?
Or does it flush it's self?
Half flush or full flush?
WHAT THE HELL?! THIS ISN'T STARBUCKS!!

Do I flush with my foot?
Where's the flushie handle?
What's that little red blinkie eye thingie?!
Am I being filmed?
WAIT, I'm not done and the damn thing flushed. EW!


Do I pump the soap dispenser?
Or is it automatic?
Is it soap?
Is it hand sanitizer?
Why is there hand sanitizer when the soap is right here?
WTF?!

Water?
Do I turn the handle?
Pull the lever up or down?
Push lever to the right or left?
Jam the button on the top for 5 seconds of boiling hot water?
Holy crow, no handle.
Wave my hands under the faucet?
What's that red blinkie thingie? Am I being filmed?


Do I have to push to get a paper towel?
Or do I have to turn the damn thingie on the side of the dispenser?
Where is the damn thingie?
Is it the automatic evil eye that refuses to give me more than one paper towel no matter how many times I wave my damn hand in front of it?
Wipe hands on pants.
Wait, why is there a red blinkie eye thingie? Am I being filmed?

Or worse!!! That stupid hand dryer.
The big ugly white one with the chrome blower. Sit there for a damn half hour and still have to wipe your hands on your pants.
Or is it the freakin' Dyson? You know the one. Airblade or some sick twisted blowie thing. So if you can stand it to dry your hands you get the bonus gift of deafness.

So, essentially what I am saying is that, with both the church and public restrooms, I get the same thing.

I go in with a fair idea of what is going to happen and come out dazed and confused and well, damp.

My church, back in the day.

 

Let's Stay On Topic, Shall We?

So my last post had to do with public restrooms.
Let's continue this vein of thought, shall we?

I swear to everything you believe in that this happened.
In fact, it happened last month.

I solemnly swear..

Recently, I had the occassion to visit a public restroom in a hospital.
There were three stalls.

Three stalls

It was similar to this, with the exception of the third stall which was the handicap stall. Or as I like to call it, "Mine".

Anywhoo....stall one and three were occupied so I chose the empty middle stall.
I'm clever like that!

Now, as most women can tell you, we try to be discrete as possible. Seriously, it is ridiculous.
As if we all haven't read the book.....

Except me, rose petals, dammit!

They should come out with a book, "Everyone Pees"
I, of course, do not. I water flowers.

Anywhoo....

So, it is deadly quiet.
Quiet.
So, quiet, that if an ant walked across the tile floor, we would think it were tap dancing.
Sniper quiet.
Library closet quiet.
Helen Keller quiet.

Got it, yet? I mean silent.
Snow falling on cotton, quiet.
Bear shitting in the woods, quiet.

Then.....
from the handicap stall....
I hear
the unmistakable
sound
of
a
tampon being unwrapped.

And
I
loudly
and
excitedly
said.......

DID

SOMEONE

BRING

CANDY?!!

 Now, remember that tap dancing ant? 

Well, he must have shucked those tap dancing shoes for house slippers,because it was quiet.

I mean, depths of the ocean quiet.

I mean, far side of the moon quiet.

Meanwhile, I'm in the center stall. Both hands clamped over my mouth and tears streaming down my face.