Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Shopping Experiences with the Chick

I have mixed emotions over shopping. I used to shop for clothing only twice a year, once for business wear and once for leisure. Now, I don't even remember the last time I went shopping, seriously.

Most of my friends, after one shopping experience with me would rather attempt cliff diving into shark infested waters with a bloody nose rather than have a repeat of the shopping day. In my defense, those occasions would usually involve last minute festivities that required a new outfit, you women understand I am sure. But alas, these are stories for another day.
cliff diving shark infested waters bloody nose-
Googled it and this was the first image of  5760 available.
You may thank me later.

Today's feature is:

Shopping Experiences with the Chick at...
 a Bookstore.

Since I am moving fahfah away and I probably will never see these people again, I think it is appropriate to give a couple little gifts to my two favorite coworkers, Eddie and Kermit. The three of us have lunch together daily.

This is my story of my adventure for Kermit's little gift.

Kermit is a great guy. Laid back and the sense of humor of a five year old.
 Kermit is also a creature of habit. 

I have been puzzling for weeks as to what to get him. He is a married man and I don't want the wife to...well, it's a purely platonic relationship between he and I. Nuff, said.

Yesterday, after a particularly hilarious lunch. It hit me!! The perfect gift for a creature of habit!! I was excited by my cleverness, my insight, my love of books!!

I waltzed off to the bookstore.
I headed over to the section where I hoped that the book was still in print. It is a classic but with literary standards such as they are, I had a valid fear. I searched and searched. I searched high. I searched low. I was starting to panic. Yes, I could purchase this online but here they would gift wrap it for me for FREEE!!!!

Off to the Customer Service desk I went.  I was in utter shock at all the shining, smiling faces that greeted me. The were so eager to help that I am almost tempted to give a "shout out" to this noble bookseller. Not. 

Not a single solitary soul was around. 
In fact, I do believe a tumbleweed whistled by.
I looked left, I looked right, I spun around sans tutu, mind you. 
There in the distance, I spied Smeagol!
I think he either acknowledged me with a lurch of his body or was doing some sort of pre-mating dance. Flirting is not in my repertoire.

Smeagol, sans name badge turned out to be a young 20 somethingish gangly male humanoid. I think.
I gave him the title of my desired book, and he began to tap at the keyboard keys muttering to himself. Surely a sign of direct decendancy of the Smeagol lineage. 
"Excuse me?" I asked. 
"No, nothing, just talking to myself." Was the Smeogol's response. 
"Umm, okay." Says me.

He seemed very entranced by the computer monitor. In my attempt to keep the conversation going, I stated. "I'm surprised at how busy the children's section is." (Keep in mind that it is one o'clock in the afternoon. And there were two adult men sitting on the floor reading, three other men milling about, one father and child and one random woman.)
 Smeagol looks up and grins at me. "That's my section and I have story time every Wednesday!" 

Did you read this part!?(Keep in mind that it is one o'clock in the afternoon. And there were two adult men sitting on the floor reading, three other men milling about, one father and child and one random woman.)


He lurches off to get my requested book. The customer behind me is looking totally bewildered, I glance back and tell her I'm sure he will be right back. Off I go in hot pursuit of Smeagol.

The prize is claimed!! Yippee Yippee!!!
Now off to pay for my prize.

Three women are having a gabfest behind the counter. I am not acknowledged until I am standing directly in front of them all. I hand one woman my soon to be memorable gift and another woman picks it up off the counter.

Is it any of your business what I am purchasing?! 
What if were Lesbians Gone Wild- A Graphic Pictorial Essay
How to Skin Your Neighbor's Children In Three Easy Steps?
Lady, you have no business looking at my purchase unless you are my cashier. 

Then she shows the other woman.
I calmly state that this is a gift for a 38 year old man. Laughter ensues. 
Umm... okay. I will give you that.

So during the bout of laughter I ask my cashier to please gift wrap my purchase.
Now, this is where it gets weird.

She backs away from the counter. Stares at me like I have just sprouted two more heads.
Never taking her eyes off of me, slowly and carefully inserts my book and receipt in the bag.
Then tentatively outstretches her arm to hand me my bag.

"Ummm...okay, thanks, have a nice day." That's just me.

here's the classic book I purchased for my habitual friend, Kermit.

Now that's just some funny shit.

1 comment:

  1. And a one hump camel makes a one hump poop and a two hump camel makes a two hump poop.