How to tie 5 monkeys in to knots & Merry Christmas

Okay, first you have to catch each monkey separately.

Then....oh never mind!

But it did work!!

I have a place to live in Colorado!!!!

I am on the road today.

With the five dogs n\monkeys.

Did I mention, snow, hazardous road conditions, 14 hours straight?

Hoooboy, I must be having a blast right now!

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas!!!!!

"Mary Did You Know?" LIVE Kathy Mattea HQ 4:3 captioned

Perspective & Holdman Christmas Lights 2010 - Complete Show

We live.

We die.

We watch those we love die.

We see death everywhere.

We are not a culture of violence.

We are a culture of death.

I see people memorializing their loved ones on

 the back of pick up truck windows,

on t-shirts,

crosses on the side of the roads.

I am sick of people showing how much they "care" by drawing attention to themselves, 

either in word or deed.

A friend of mine passed recently.

I don't do funerals.

I left a heartfelt note on the door for his daughter.

I told her what a good man her father was.

I wrote of instances, that showed the good in him as he interacted with others.

Children, even grown may not know the impact of their parent in other peoples lives.

I did not leave my name.

True grief is quiet. 

True sorrow wrings the soul mute.

Silence is somber.

******************************************************

Now on a much lighter note, 

I want to wish everyone

 a very Merry Christmas

and a peaceful and prosperous 

New Year!

And if this video doesn't lift your soul....

Well,

tell Ebenezer I said hi, you Grinch!

Love and Hugs for Christmas!

 

A Moving Update & Christmas Lights 2010 - "Shake Up Christmas"

Okay, so I'm still trying to get out of hell.

The last house fell through because I am not Christian enough.

I say that because the owner asked me about a radio program that sounded vaguely familiar. When the owner told me that it was Christian radio, I replied "Yeah, we have a bunch of programs like that here."
I don't think that was the answer he was looking for. I'm kinda surprised he did not come right out and ask which church I intended.

He still took my information and said he would call Thursday or Friday.
I'm still waiting.

Anywhooo, I called him on Friday and he did not answer his phone. His personal phone message advises us all that, God loves us.

I'm still waiting on the call back.

I have no problem with a home owner that decides who they want living in their house. I wish this world would let people place an ad for exactly who they want WITHOUT fingers being pointed and that person being called racist, bigoted, or any other name. The ACLU, NAACP and the like should be disbanded.

For example: You don't want to rent to Jews. Fine, no problem here. There are other people that are willing.
Same with blacks, Hispanics, gays, ugly people, old people, whatever. This is not the 1950's. Don't bitch because one person won't give you something. Find that other person that will.

It's about a persons' comfort level. I personally am not comfortable with people that look like meth or crackheads. So by law, I should not be forced to be near them. Let alone be forced to allow them to reside on my property.

It's his property. He gets to choose his neighbor. I have NO problem with that. What I do have a problem with, is the fact that he lied to me. Do not placate me. If I am not what you want, then let me know so I can move on to other avenues.

Telling me you will call, gives me hope for the final piece of the puzzle to fall into place.

You wasted two days of my life and a pretty penny for the horse riding lessons I would have purchased from you.

We were not getting married, so therefore I am not required to carry the same yoke.

Anywhooo, I found another property and the game is afoot.

Fingers crossed.
Toes crossed.
And I tied the 5 dogs monkeys in knots, this time!

Ps. I'm not Jewish. That was used to illustrate my point.
Pss. Nothing wrong with being Jewish either, but I gotta tell ya a Jewish mother has nothing on a Catholic when it comes to guilt! HA!

 

HELLOOOOoooo?!?!? & 12 Ghetto Days of Christmas

HEY!!!!

HELLOOOOO????

ANYONE?

ANYONE?

ARE YOU STILL THERE?

AM I STILL HERE?

HELLO GOD? IT ME, MARGARET.

IS ANYONE STILL ON THIS PLANET?

IS THE PLANET STILL HERE?

DID WE SURVIVE?

Ah, I guess I will find out when I wake up Saturday morning.

Or not.

Gun Control & 12 day of Christmas - Relient K

Hey, get this.

I don't own a television.

I haven't owned one in more than a decade.

I am not bombarded by advertising for stuff I don't NEED.

I have no clue what the latest fashions are.

I wouldn't know a "celebrity" if one came up and pinched me on the nose.

Tho' that would be a problem for them.

I also am not bombarded by "news".

And the best part of not watching television, other than the hours that are mine.

Is that I am not being told what to think, 

how to think, 

how to talk, 

how to walk.

Now, here's a few personal little stories of guns in my life.

When I was two or so, my paternal grandfather was murdered by his neighbor.

He was shot in the heart at close range.

He could have been just as easily been stabbed in the heart with the same outcome.

Ironically, my grandfather was a police officer.

When I was ten or so, I told my NRA card carrying maternal grandfather that the NRA was bad.

He just laughed. He also asked me why I thought that. 

My ten year old self-assured self, stated clearly, "Guns kill people."

He laughed and did not correct me.

I told him I would never be a member of the NRA.

(Did I mention, I went to public school?)

When I was 15 my best friend was raped and murdered.

No gun was involved.

Strangulation.

On my first date EVER, my "date" (chosen by my mother)

attempted to rape me by using a screwdriver as a weapon.

He drove me back home damn quick with a bloody nose.

In my junior year, 

a classmate committed suicide.

Yes, a gun was used.

His previous attempts were with pills.

He was determined.

In my senior year, 

I was approached by a known serial killer.

Guns were not his weapon of choice.

He killed more women than I have fingers and possibly toes.

In my late twenties,

I was approached and invited to dinner by another known murderer.

I declined.

His choice of weapon? A knife.

Before you ask, my "date" a few years later was incarcerated for raping a minor.

My senior year serial killer was himself murdered in prison.

And last I heard of OJ, he's in prison.

And there I will stop with the personal stuff.

This is long overdue.

Grandpa C.,

 I'm getting my NRA membership and a gun or two.

And you can thank Obama.

I am now petitioning to my congressman to ban the following:

Screwdrivers

Volcanoes

Tsunamis

Evil

Hurricanes

Knives

Water

Bed Pillows

Rope

Pantyhose

Earthquakes

Alcohol

Cancer

Rental trucks

Cars

Meth

Rabies

&

Bad Russian porn

Anywhooooo.....

So at the age of ten, "Guns kill people."

And not too many years after that conversation, I got my facts straight.

So, I am saying,

 "Get out of your childish fantasies, Get your facts, and Get a gun."

And 

SCREW ALL YOU POLITICALLY CORRECT PEOPLE.

I'M

KEEPING

CHRISTMAS!!!

Ps. I have no clue if Russian porn is good or bad. Let me know, will ya?
Pss. Leave your television out by the trash, it's filling your head with crap you really don't believe.

 

Sandy Hook

This post is nothing like I intended.

Anger and politics were pushed aside and I deleted my original post.

This is what came out instead.

I have had a couple days to think about the tragedy that occurred in Sandy Hook.

The above sentence is the only one left from the original post.

via

All I could picture was gift wrapped presents under the Christmas tree for those children.

All those gifts hidden under beds, under stairs, some 

tucked high up in closets.

Waiting for Santa to deliver them under the tree 

Christmas Eve.

Those gifts were purchased out of love or at the insistent begging of 

a loved child.

I imagine the parent envisioning Christmas morning as 

the gift was being wrapped.

Of young shining faces, smiles to reach the heavens.

Eager grasping hands, and eyes to light the world.

As a parent of one of those children, how do you ever touch those hidden presents again?

How many years of dust will rest on those gifts?

How do you ever find joy for Christmas ever again?

How do you drag yourself from your bed day after day?

How do you breathe your next breath?

How do you?

I want to offer strength, peace and comfort to all.

But I can't. I am not there.

I can only hope that they have others to lean on.

People with the strength not to bow under the enormous weight of this loss.

People that don't offer empty platitudes.

People that help.

Bring them food and help them to eat.

Clean their homes.

Take out their garbage.

Write out their bills.

Shovel their driveway.

Something.

I don't pretend to know what that parent needs or feels.

I all I could truly offer would be a warm embrace and

 a mingling of our tears.

But I am not there.

 

Seriously, DUDE! & Wizards In Winter - 2009

Okay, so some of you know that I am moving.

Yay! Me!

I am seriously stressed out because I am moving.

Seriously.

I know I have a great job waiting for me.

And I know that I absolutely HATE it here in HELL.

But, I'm still stressing.

The original place I found was phenomenal!

Everything I wanted and needed.

And a reasonable distance too!

Ummm, yeah that didn't work out so well.

As the owner did not tell me that the current residents haven't moved out.

Oh, and the place won't be available until February 1st.

Yeah, slight snafu.

But with all things, I shall overcome.

Okay, so in the last week the toilet broke.

No, I didn't do it.

It just started spraying water up through the toilet tank.

Yep, I fixed it.

I discovered a branch hit a bedroom window and smashed it.

No, I didn't fix it.

And finally, my washing machine broke.

Seriously.

Did I mention that the water heater started to leak?

Anywhooo...

My washer breaking, SUCKS!

I'm not going to buy another one as,

I AM MOVING!

So I can't wash clothes.

I can't wash sheets.

Blankets.

Towels.

FREAKIN' ANYTHING!

I even went so far as to buy new socks and undergarments.

I really did not want to go to the coin laundry.

Really!

But, I had to go.

I ran out of clean frillies.

So I loaded up.

Just two loads.

And went to the coin laundry.

It is in an area people of my color don't frequent.

Who cares. I don't.

Now this is not about color or in my case, lack there of.

This is about a dude.

A black dude.

This is not prejudice.

This is stating facts.

As I walk in said black dude is walking out.

He is wearing a red apron and a white stocking cap.

He says to me, "It's really busy in there."

I said, "That's okay, I just need one machine."

End of conversation.

I load up my coin washer.

One of those nifty front load machines.

Did I mention that I had run out of my frillies?

I put said frillies and some jeans in the washer and start it.

I go outside to sit in my vehicle to wait for the wash to be done.

I eat some fast food I picked up. 

And occasionally look up to make sure no one is messing with my laundry.

I go in to check how long I have until the washer is finished and I see the red apron wearing dude.

I guess he works there.

Cool.

I go back to my vehicle to play some demo Tetris on my phone.

Don't you judge me. I forgot my book.

I look up and see said black dude looking staring at my washer for wayyyyy too long.

This freak is watching my frillies!!!!!

SERIOUSLY!!

DUDE!!!

Now, on a less freaky note.

Please enjoy this 

SERIOUSLY AWESOME

Christmas Light Display.

The 12 Chinese Days of Christmas

Mature Content

or you may choose... The 12 Days of Chinese Food

 

My Worst Nightmare Come True & The 12 Muppet Days of Christmas

Ya know, my keys disappear from time to time.
I don't panic usually.
Having 5 dogs monkeys makes me hide them up high or in my box on my table.

But, I really, really bad about remembering where I put them.

The monkeys have stolen them in the past.
I find them in the yard or on the floor.

I reprimand myself for being so irresponsible.
But seriously, who does it harm?

I know they won't eat them.
They like to toss things in the air just for their own amusement.
I suspect it is the same with my keys.

But, yet again I see my own naivete.

Today the monkeys broke into the house while I was working.
Via the kitchen door, again.

Sure, all of them rushed me at the same time when I came in the house.
Wanting some love and absolution.
I didn't think much of it until...
I found my computer on with this video looping.

We're doomed, I tell ya.
DOOMED!!

Now, please enjoy
A bit of 70's nostalgia.

 

I killed my hampster & The 12 Mexican Days of Christmas

Not my hamster...pic via

So, I killed my hamster.

A couple months ago, I got a hamster.

He/she was just so cute and free.

I could not resist!

I never gave it a name. It never occurred to me.

He/she was pale grey with a white muzzle and came with a water bottle and a running wheel.

That crazy little hamster would run like the devil was after he/she.

Initially, I would feed he/she thirteen little food pellets every time I saw he/she was awake.

If he/she wasn't awake, I would not disturb his/her slumber to feed him.

I didn't want to leave food around, in case of a bug infestation.

I had noticed that he/she slept alot.

So no food was left for he/she.

This went on for quite a while.

Then he/she would perk up and look expectantly at me and I would toss those thirteen little pellets in with he/she.

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

If I glanced away he/she would get a drink from the bottle.

Sometimes, he/she would refuse to get off the wheel.

So, no thirteen pellets!

So, it became a challenge.

Who's will is stronger.

Little bugger would just lie there.

Sleeping.

Taunting me.

Stupid hamster.

Eat when I look at you!

Get off that damn wheel!

I'm not going to wake you up to eat!

Fine, so don't eat!

I became so incensed by this little critter, I just wanted to....never mind.

So, I peek at he/she.

He/she hasn't moved in the last couple days.

I'm fairly certain I killed he/she.

Here's a picture of he/she in better days.

Please enjoy the following Christmas video, as I google the funeral rites of hamsters.

I suspect I will need to purchase a virtual toilet.

*sigh*

Anyone wanna adopt(be tormented by) a he/she hamster? Click here.

Ps. No hamsters, real or virtual, were harmed in the making of this post.

A Heads Up

I'm finally leaving this hellhole.

Yay! Me!

I have a bunch of scheduled posts kinda written and I'm not sure if I will have the time to clean them up before I'm outta here.

But my adventure is soon beginning and I'm hoping for a little patience on your part.

I will update you as soon as I can!

I am awesome like that!

Where am I heading you ask?

 The video says it best.

Wish me a safe journey and arrival!
Ps. I'm travelling with the 5 monkeys in one vehicle.

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT!!!

HERE'S A LITTLE THOUGHT FOR THE KIDDIES!

VIA

 

The December Pariah and a few offensive words

You know, I am starting to feel like a pariah.

I don't own nor watch television.

But that's not why I am feeling like a pariah.

I don't own a microwave oven.

But that's not why I am feeling like a pariah.

I don't own forty cats, just 5 dogs monkeys.

But that's not why I am feeling like a pariah.

I have an unnatural love for chickens.

But that's not why I am feeling like a pariah.

I feel like a pariah, 

every time I speak this time of year.

With great cheer,

MERRY CHRISTMAS, I SAY  

to all that I meet in the course of the day.

Their eyes fill with fear.

They look left.

They look right.

Merry Christmas, they whisper like a thief in the night.

I smile broadly and nod.

My groceries in hand.

I wonder what has happened

to our great land..

I want to shout from the rooftops

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!!

But I wonder if I would offend.

Would it be the use of profanity?

Or the public acknowledgement of a Christian holiday?

Why are Americans killing Christmas?

I suspect it started with those whose birthdays are eclipsed by the birth of baby Jesus.

I will admit to some resentment of the one gift for my birthday/Christmas.

Or that I never got to celebrate my birthday in elementary school, as my birthday fell during Christmas break.

But I grew up. mostly.

I worked retail for years.

Christmas started coming before Halloween.

I was sick of Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I feel one of the biggest problems created in our society is from the retail world.

Opening shop on Sundays.

Staying open later and later.

Staying open on holidays.

Employees don't get to spend time with their families over dinner.

I truly could go on and on. 

But I won't.

I am always mindful of the store staff.

I am polite and courteous.

I know they would rather be elsewhere, as would I.

But we are currently in the same place at the same time.

Experiencing the same moment of time.

I often buy a candy bar or coke separate from my other purchases.

I hand them the candy bar or coke with the receipt and tell them to have a great day.

I don't wonder if they are diabetic or have allergies or on a diet.

I am giving and that is what matters.

I am taking a small amount of myself and acknowledging the existence of another human being.

I make a good memory for them until some thoughtless person erases that good feeling.

We are in a fight here people.

To keep the good in our lives.

To keep American traditions.

To keep Christmas.

 

The Perfect Meal for The 12 Drunken Days of Christmas

I haven't tried this recipe.

But I will!

Beware, next bison I see.

Beware, next brotosaurus I see!

Beware, o'hippopotomus!

Beware, blue whale of the sea!

Coffee Marinated Bison Short Ribs

Coffee-d Sweet Potatoes with Burbon and Maple

ENJOY!

Ps. No alcohol was imbibed in the making of this post. Jus' sayin'!

 

Evil Twisted Desires & The 12 Hawaiian Days of Christmas

Okay, I can just stop the post right here because reading the title made me literally laugh out loud!
But I won't, because I am evil and twisted.

Truthfully, my blog is for me. I write stuff that makes me laugh.
My blog is my happy place.
It really makes me happy when I get a comment or a new follower.
That is pure-D AWESOME!

But, I digress.

This is a post of my degenerate self.
The self that regales in dark thoughts of revenge.
The self that wants to be bad.

Be mean.

To gnash my teeth with pure delight in of the misery of others.
To whoop and holler around the fire of the misfortune of others.

To drag the reality of life
 into the deepest
 darkest
 pit
 of Hell
 and laugh
 at the tortured souls
 grasping at
glittering,
  black,
razor edged
 crystal shards
 lining the walls.
 Slicing flesh.
Deep.
 Tattered hanks
 of skin,
clinging
to
shining
white
bone,
 bleeding,
 crimson
 towards
 the cavernous
 yawning maw
of eternity.

But now...
in the quietness of my room,
 I listen to the gentle breathing of the monkeys.
 Intermittent quiet snores.
A soft sigh of a contented sleep.

And
all
I
want
to
do
is.....


JUMP UP AND DOWN ON THE BED, 
SCREAM LIKE A MAD WOMAN
AND SCARE THE CRAP OUTTA THOSE MONKEYS!!!!!!!!

via

Yes, evil, twisted and down right nasty is me!

BAHAHAHAAAA!!!

And now,

 back to our regularly scheduled program.

ENJOY!!

How I Got Frostbite While Baking a Cake & The 12 Gary Hoey Days of Christmas

I have five dogs monkeys. So, I am thinking my marriage prospects are slim.

I think, I may as well get fat. 

I enjoy cooking but as a single gal the serving suggestions  are ridiculous.

I cook one meal and it lasts almost a week or 

I get tired of the meal after day THREE, and share it with the dogs monkeys.

Anywhooo, back to my quest of getting fat.

I baked not one but two cakes.

Per a recipe found on Pinterest.

Modified, of course. 

My changes are highlighted in pink.

This is the recipe that gave me frostbite.

Lemon Raspberry Cake

Okay. First let me say, my cake looked NOTHING like this.

This looks light and fluffy.

IT IS NOT!

Here are the ingredients.

1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

¼ teaspoon kosher salt

1 cup low-fat buttermilk

1 ¼ cups sugar

3 large eggs(from my chickens. Yay! Chickens!)

2 teaspoons grated lemon zest (from 1 large lemon)

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

½ cup vegetable oil

juice of 1 large lemon( I used 3 tbsp lemon juice)

1 cup fresh or frozen raspberries(All that could fit in one hand)

2 tablespoons framboise liqueur* (raspberry liqueur)(Did not have this. I suspect one of the monkeys drank it all or I never purchased any.)

2 tablespoons sugar

1/3 cup sugar (for sauce)

I decided to make this cake because:

A. It sounded DANG GOOD!

B. I had "most" of the ingredients on hand. Yay! Me!

These are the directions.

Directions:

Preheat the oven 350°F. Butter and line a loaf pan with parchment paper.Umm..totally missed this parchment part. I would grease the pan, next time.

Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt in a mixing bowl. In a separate bowl, whisk and combine the buttermilk, sugar, eggs, lemon zest, and vanilla extract. Mix the buttermilk mixture with the dry ingredients until just combined. Fold in the vegetable oil until evenly incorporated. Pour into prepared loaf pan. Allow batter to rest.

In a blender, blend the lemon juice, raspberries, framboise liqueur, and sugar. Blend until smooth. Take one ounce of the raspberry mixture, straining if desired(I like the seeds), and drizzle lightly on top of the cake batter. Use a toothpick to swirl into the batter.(I used half of the handful in each cake. Sue me, I love raspberries.)

Place the loaf pan into the oven and bake for 40-50 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.(I had to bake this for the full 50 minutes. This is a very dense cake.)

Strain the remaining raspberry mixture into a sauce pan. Add 1/3 cup sugar, and cook over medium-low heat until the sugar dissolves. Cool and set aside.(Yeah, I did none of this.)

When the cake is done, let it cool on a wire rack. Serve the slices with the ruby raspberry sauce. (Yeah, umm...no. I put it all in the cake, thank you very much!)Enjoy!

*Optional. If you do not have any raspberry liqueur, substitute with water.(This I did do.)

Okay, as I said earlier this is a very dense cake. The only difference I made between the two cakes,  one had the full amount of oil and the second cake had only half the amount.

Taste difference? None, really.
Appearance difference? None, really.

In my cakes the raspberry filling went throughout the cake, not really visible on the top. Of course, I did NOT use the one ounce measurement suggested in the recipe. Again, sue me.

Two questions remain. 

How in the world did I get frostbite making a cake and
would I make this cake again?

Did you notice that this recipe calls for a real live lemon?
I had this, sorta.

I use the juice of two lemons elsewhere and threw the lemon carcases in the freezer.

J U S T~ I N~ C A S E!

So, lucky lucky me I had it to use for the lemon zest.

WARNING:

Zesting

frozen

lemons

WILL 

give

you 

frostbite.

I should make a t-shirt with this slogan.

And OH, YES! 

I WILL MAKE THIS CAKE AGAIN!!!

I liked it soooo much, the monkeys did not even get a taste!

And now we continue our series on Christmas!

Featuring:

Gary Hoey~ The 12 Days of Christmas

Enjoy!!